Saturday, December 17, 2005

Millen Man March

Well news out of Detroit is mutinous. It's crazy. First, the fans have the Millen Man March prepared for the tailgate party before tomorrows game against the Bengals. No doubt it's a protest. Secondly, and this is completely crazy, another protest has people being asked to show up in Bengal orange and black and to cheer for the Bengals.

I can't believe they might do that. Detroit people, follow hockey. You've got Zetterberg, Datsyuk. Hell, the Pistons are kicking serious ass this year too. What are they, 17-3 now? Leave the Lions alone.
As a Leafs fan, I have no idea what to expect in tonites game against the Sens. I'm going to sit in my apartment wearing my jersey and clinching my teeth while yelling at the tv. Unbiasedly, I predict a 5-4 win for the Leafs. Seriously.

Friday, December 16, 2005

toasters that kill

There are certain things that people just know without experience. For example; putting ones penis in a toaster and then turning it on. I don't need to try that out to know it wouldn't be pleasant. Or putting my penis in a sandwich maker, waffle maker, George Forman grill and then turning it on. I don't need to try it to know it wouldn't be a pleasurable experience. If you're having trouble imagining what I'm saying, here's a picture of a toaster to help you out.

And now you must be wondering why I'm talking about inserting my penis into inanimate kitchen appliances. Good question. My answer to that is, its gotta go somewhere, right?

Speaking of which. What exactly did King Kong want to do with that girl? I mean, he would ruin her. I'm trying to picture how it would work, but it's kinda difficult. It's because he's huge and she's not. And isn't the whole King Kong thing a twisted version of bestiality? This isn't like breeding dogs people. It's about a 25-foot Gorilla trying to have a relationship with a 5 foot 6 inch female human. It's time to play matchmaker. King Kong, do I have a girl for you.

Everybody needs somebody to love.


So I was watching the Red Wings Panthers game last night. What is up? Panthers beating the Red Wings? After beating the Predators? These teams probably don't see each other enough. Or the Panthers are much better than they're letting on.

Anyways. How would you like to be an NHL GM and come up with these stats from a guy you drafted in the 6th round, 171 overall in 1998?

GP G A Pts +/- PIM Shots
32 12 24 36 +10 6 63

Or how about these numbers from a guy in the 7th round, 210 overall in 1999?

GP G A Pts +/- PIM Shots
32 15 18 33 +5 12 108

Talk about late round picks coming to fruition. Detroit, you might have Matt Millen, but you also have Ken Holland. If you don't know, now you know.

a priori adj 1 : characterized by or derived by reasoning from self-evident propositions 2 : independent of experience.


What is a Hoss? A term that refers to a male partaking in something to the fullest enjoyment. i.e. someone who goes into a store and buys a gallon of milk and a bottle of chocolate syrup with the intention of drinking the entire thing in one sitting is a serious hoss.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

you say tomato, i say potato

Watching the French language leaders debate on CBC Newsworld, I find myself incredibly bored. Harper, Martin, Layton and Duceppe are answering public questions and bashing each other at the same time. For some reason it reminds me of a show I flipped by last night. I think it was called America's Next Top Model, or something, and it had a reunion show on the set of Tyra Bank's daily talk show. Anyways, it was a show with all the contestants and they reminisced and blah blah blah. I was watching because it was filled with models, not because they might have something to say.

Anyways before I got to the mute button, I learned some things. For example, Tyra Banks has no idea how to conduct an interview, from what I saw. Every question she had for someone else was a 5 second answer for them, and a lead in for a two-minute story by her. She's really egotistical. I couldn't believe it.

Tyra: So, how do you feel about stealing Nikki's line?
Generic Model: I didn't even know I was stealing her line.
Tyra: I know exactly what you're talking about. This one time, on the set of this music video I saw the choreographer do this move for another girl and then when it became my time I just stole it. Because it was, and will always be all about me.
Me: can't find mute button.....aaaahhhhh the pain, the pain, make it stop.
Tyra: Wooo, yeah.
Me: I think she just randomly 'woo-ed' and 'yeah-ed'. I really have to stop talking to myself out loud.

I used to think she was hot, and now can only stand her if I have a mute button nearby.

Back to the debate, it's all about what the leaders have done. Best question of the night asked so far was from a lady who basically asked if they (the leaders) swear to keep their campaign promises.

Oh, snap! Layton just went over the 15-second limit and didn't stop to complete his Martin bash.

Anyways, none of them answered the question initially, as if they weren't programmed to tell a lie about telling the truth. All their synapse simply stopped working. All your base are belong to us.

And the best line of the night belongs to the CBC.CA live blogger.

8:38 p.m. EST
Who provided the uniforms for these guys? Was there some kind of ruling issued that said they all had to wear the exact same outfits - dark suits and light blue shirts?

So true. Whoever the live blogger is, they kick ass. Not just for that remark, but for the general informed tone of their posts. Well done good blog people.

Why am I watching this debate throughout? Because I want to watch something while I eat my cake and drink my milk.

Anyways, it is going to snow like heck here tonite.

nuit blanche : white night : a sleepless night

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

the clock is dead, long live the clock

20 years. I've had my alarm clock for over 20 years. Last week it decided to tell time in an accelerated fashion. Meaning that, when it was supposed to be 8:00 am, it was actually 11:00 pm, and 9:00am was 11:15 pm. I had it for so long, the radio failed to work, and the buzzer sounded more annoying then the one at Philips Arena.

*Digression- Even the commentators on Turner Sports hate that buzzer that goes off when the Thrashers score a goal. It's so freaking annoying, it's not funny. Although, if I was in charge of that horn I'd probably do the exact same thing. As a Leafs fan, haven't heard it much, but if you caught the Red Wings-Thrashers game last night, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's just about the most obnoxious horn in the history of horns.*

So my clocky died. I went out and got another one. My life has changed because of it. Lo and behold it not only had sleep and snooze buttons, but it also had a nap button! A freaking nap button! So I went home and tried out the nap button. It's great, if I want to take a nap, I hit the nap button, and set it anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours (default is 20 minutes). Plus it has a 2-alarm setting (one could be the radio and the other could be a buzzer). So if ever I needed to set two separate waking times, I could do it without screwing up. It's gonna be my new pick up line for chicks. "Hey baby, check it out, I got two alarms. Yeah, that's right. I can wake up, and you don't have to until your alarm goes off." I'm gonna have to start beating the women away with a stick. Ahh delusion. Good times.

Nap button. I don't know how I napped without one.

I've also decided to retire the numbers 19, 99, and 93. Yzerman, Gretzky, Gilmour. 13 is well on its way to being retired. Mats Sundin he will go down as the greatest Leaf captain ever. I welcome your arguments.

n : a Cuban dance in slow duple time

Saturday, December 10, 2005

he lays in the reins

So, a week or so ago, Doug Wilson (GM of the San Jose Sharks) was walking down the street. A carefree soul, even though his hockey team was under performing. He knew that they have the talent to succeed. It just takes some time for them to mesh in the new Gary Bettman Hockey League. As he walks, he's whistling the tune of 'the man comes around' by Johnny Cash. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees this in a window.

[picture courtesy of Heather Creegan at soveryobsessed(dot)com]

He thinks to himself, "I could use a Thornton. I already got one, and he's working out pretty well, I sure could use another one. It won't hurt to go inside and see if I can get me one more of those Thorntons."

So he walks in. The guy at the cash register looks kinda frazzled, like he hasn't slept in a week. Doug says hello and asks about the sign in the window. The guy behind the cash yelps, and runs into the corner. Doug caught a glimpse of the cashier's nametag, it said 'Sullivan'.

A door opens. A man walks out. He calls himself 'Mike'. Doug asks about the cashier, and Mike responds,

"Oh don't worry about him, he's just a little frazzled. It's been a trying time for all of us here at the store. Business is slow. Winter is coming, and we're out of eggnog. Want a Thornton?"

"Sure," Doug responds, "how much?"

"Oh, not much. A first line winger, a solid defenseman. Prefer those two to be Canadian. A first round draft pick because this Thornton was a first overall pick. And another scoring winger. But we need a German winger. Not too many people have German wingers that can score. In return for those three, you get a franchise player, a six-foot bruising playmaker. We've already developed him, so he's just entering his prime."

"I see." Doug starts searching his pockets, trying to play it cool. It sounds like a good deal. Mike incorrectly interprets Doug's movements as a sign that he might be searching for his car keys. Just last week Mike did almost the exact same thing to exit when in conversation with his friend Wayne. Mike reached into his pockets and set off his car alarm and then excused himself. Mike quickly adds.

"Look, either we get rid of this Thornton or one of Sullivan or myself has to go. It's our best product, and the commission we make off of this transaction will feed us come the holiday season. So here's what I'm going to do. Even though this is already half-price of what Thornton merchandise is worth, I'm going to get rid of the first round draft pick demand. And, remember that first line Canadian? Well, he doesn't have to be a first line one, but he has to have an older brother in the league."

Doug is having a hard time containing his excitement. He has a Canadian defenseman to spare, he's got a German scoring winger (the rarest of the German wingers) and he has a winger with a brother in the league. And even though that winger took a puck to the face and instead of skating off stayed on and shot the puck that hit him from the blueline into the back of the net, Doug feels as though he can spare him for a Thornton. A Thornton doesn't come along everyday. To actual have someone who has a Thornton, a developed, over point-a-game pace Thornton, to have someone willing to sell one, and then at half price. Well, Doug had found the cell phone in his pocket that he was searching for and already text messaged "OMG-even strength problem solved" to his buddy Ron. Doug had a freaky skill of being able to compose text messages on his cell phone without looking at the keys.

Doug reached into his pocket, pulled out the Stuart, Primeau and Sturm that fit Mike's demand. Threw them on the counter, took his Thornton and left.

And that, my friends, is how Joe Thornton became a San Jose Shark.


Ladies and Gentlemen, the new captain of your Columbus Blue Jackets. Adam Foote.

I wonder who is going to captain the Bruins now? Thornton (Joe) in San Jose is going to put up some bigger numbers without having to worry about captaincy. Their current captain, Patrick Marleau, has 12 (!) points in the 4 games since Thornton has joined the team.

noun Madman, Lunatic.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

the insults felt so nice, i had to write about them twice

Check it out; wouldn't these numbers look good on a player for the Raptors?


8.4 12.6 0.6
1.60 24

Granted, those are only 5 games worth, but Pape Sow is doing a good job in the NBA developmental league.

As for the big boys, they put on quite the offensive display last night in Washington. I think the score was 61-59 for the Raptors at the half. They stood a chance, having the lead and all, but there was no defence for Gilbert Arenas. That man just kills the Raptors. Well, he kills a lot of teams these days but it sure does feel like he twists that dagger a little deeper when playing the Raptors.

But there is hope for the Raptor fans. Dare I call them the best 3-16 team ever? I think I can, because the word 'best' probably hasn't been used to describe a 3-16 team. But they've lost a few games due to bad calls by the refs, inexperienced plays by some rookies, and, well, just not scoring as much as the other guys. My nomination for Captain of the Raptors is Morris Peterson. From day one this season he's been the guy with the most positive attitude on the team. Bosh is the talent, Charles V is the future, Calderon is the crazy European, Arajuo is the screaming banshee, Joey "please don't call me golden" Graham is the flair, and Mo Pete is the heart. Where Jalen Rose fits into this, and more importantly Sam Mitchell's plan, is yet to be determined. Most likely he will be playing the role of "good player who can't d-up and for some reason is singled out for that even though the whole team can't." His abysmal shooting doesn't help the cause this year, although his durability is top-notch. What's that? It appears I've forgotten somebody?

I'm Mike James, bitch.

And him. So Mo Pete hits a crazy three at the end of the 4th to tie it, after missing a three and grabbing his own rebound. It was a good shot. But then they lost. All was for naught. Raptors have only had 4 games out of the 19 where they've had a better FG% than the opponents. They're 2-2 in those games (it was the only stat I could find that didn't make the team appear horrible). All I want for Christmas is some defence.

Insert segue here.

GM's and Presidents everywhere are under fire. Well, J.P. and JFJ aren't. J.P. added B.J. and A.J. and might be looking into getting C.J. from the Pirates. Mr. Babcock...has lots of family, or so it may seem.

But in Detroit, where they fired the coach, a fan held up a makeshift sign this past weekend.

In reference to Lions President Matt Millen. The fan was chased around the building and tackled by security. A few days later another Fire Millen signed showed up at a Detroit Red Wings hockey game. Ah, good times.

What are the odds that Millen takes another receiver with his first round pick this year? They could have drafted Shawne Merriman this year (who San Diego got from the New York Football Giants and Eli trade) instead of Mike Williams, and Jonathan Vilma the year before instead of Roy Williams (although Roy is a stud), and a whole bunch of guys in 2003 instead of the guy they're trying to get some money back from (Charles Rogers). Although you have to admire Mr. Rogers' attitude about the whole situation, he appears as though he just wants to play football. Rogers told the Free Press: Because this is football, man. This is the game you love, man. We was playing this game for free when we was born. It ain't all about the bread, you know?

Check out the list of names they could have taken instead of Joey Joe Joe Harrington in 2002. (Keep in mind they had Mike McMahon as a backup at this point, a guy who Millen drafted in 2001 and who would end up being 50-50 to start against Harrington until he left for Philadelphia this year. And if they waited a year with McMahon at the helm, a guy like Byron Leftwich was available for the taking. Hindsight is always 20-20, but just for shits and giggles.)
  • Quinten Jammer CB-Chargers
  • Roy Williams FS-Cowboys
  • John Henderson DT-Jaguars
  • Dwight Freeney DE-Colts
  • Ed Reed SS-Ravens
Notice a trend? I like d-guys in the first round.

But I'm being harsh on Millen here. To his credit, he does appear to have a plan. The last first round pick that was used to draft a defensive player was in 1999, when they took Chris Claiborne. Millen started in 2001 and stocked up on the offensive line and then took skill players. For some reason filling the O-line with youth didn't add up, or hasn't so far. His drafts have consistently produced starters, and the Lions are still a young team. In fact, the only seriously questionable thing that Millen has done is fire Mariucci this year.

Dre' Bly blamed Harrington for Mooch's firing. Millen seems to have blamed Mooch for Detroit's poor record. Detroit fans blamed Millen for the poor performance. The fact of the matter is that football games are a delicate balance. Any given Sunday any team can win, right? Just that the Lions have been unlucky more than lucky so far this year. One thing the fans can count on is the Super bowl coming to town. A game, in my estimation, that will feature the Chargers and the Panthers.

The Colts will not make it because they do not exist in my football universe. They are a team from the future playing exhibition games with NFL teams this year. They do not qualify for the Super bowl.

Circadian : being, having, characterized by, or occurring in approximately 24-hour periods or cycles (as of biological activity or function).

Friday, December 02, 2005

and now for something completely different

I do not like Junk Mail and Spam
I do not like them
Sam, I am

I do not like them here or there
I do not like them anywhere
I do not like them in my mail
I read not, delete lot, they all fail

I will not read them on the train
I will not read them for a dame
I wipe them from my inbox
I do not need to swell my cock

I do not read them in a house
I would not, could not, click with mouse
I do not like Junk Mail and Spam
I do not like them
Sam, I am

Junk Mail and Spam
Junk Mail and Spam
I do not like Junk Mail and Spam

Sam, I am