Saturday, December 10, 2005

he lays in the reins

So, a week or so ago, Doug Wilson (GM of the San Jose Sharks) was walking down the street. A carefree soul, even though his hockey team was under performing. He knew that they have the talent to succeed. It just takes some time for them to mesh in the new Gary Bettman Hockey League. As he walks, he's whistling the tune of 'the man comes around' by Johnny Cash. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees this in a window.

[picture courtesy of Heather Creegan at soveryobsessed(dot)com]

He thinks to himself, "I could use a Thornton. I already got one, and he's working out pretty well, I sure could use another one. It won't hurt to go inside and see if I can get me one more of those Thorntons."

So he walks in. The guy at the cash register looks kinda frazzled, like he hasn't slept in a week. Doug says hello and asks about the sign in the window. The guy behind the cash yelps, and runs into the corner. Doug caught a glimpse of the cashier's nametag, it said 'Sullivan'.

A door opens. A man walks out. He calls himself 'Mike'. Doug asks about the cashier, and Mike responds,

"Oh don't worry about him, he's just a little frazzled. It's been a trying time for all of us here at the store. Business is slow. Winter is coming, and we're out of eggnog. Want a Thornton?"

"Sure," Doug responds, "how much?"

"Oh, not much. A first line winger, a solid defenseman. Prefer those two to be Canadian. A first round draft pick because this Thornton was a first overall pick. And another scoring winger. But we need a German winger. Not too many people have German wingers that can score. In return for those three, you get a franchise player, a six-foot bruising playmaker. We've already developed him, so he's just entering his prime."

"I see." Doug starts searching his pockets, trying to play it cool. It sounds like a good deal. Mike incorrectly interprets Doug's movements as a sign that he might be searching for his car keys. Just last week Mike did almost the exact same thing to exit when in conversation with his friend Wayne. Mike reached into his pockets and set off his car alarm and then excused himself. Mike quickly adds.

"Look, either we get rid of this Thornton or one of Sullivan or myself has to go. It's our best product, and the commission we make off of this transaction will feed us come the holiday season. So here's what I'm going to do. Even though this is already half-price of what Thornton merchandise is worth, I'm going to get rid of the first round draft pick demand. And, remember that first line Canadian? Well, he doesn't have to be a first line one, but he has to have an older brother in the league."

Doug is having a hard time containing his excitement. He has a Canadian defenseman to spare, he's got a German scoring winger (the rarest of the German wingers) and he has a winger with a brother in the league. And even though that winger took a puck to the face and instead of skating off stayed on and shot the puck that hit him from the blueline into the back of the net, Doug feels as though he can spare him for a Thornton. A Thornton doesn't come along everyday. To actual have someone who has a Thornton, a developed, over point-a-game pace Thornton, to have someone willing to sell one, and then at half price. Well, Doug had found the cell phone in his pocket that he was searching for and already text messaged "OMG-even strength problem solved" to his buddy Ron. Doug had a freaky skill of being able to compose text messages on his cell phone without looking at the keys.

Doug reached into his pocket, pulled out the Stuart, Primeau and Sturm that fit Mike's demand. Threw them on the counter, took his Thornton and left.

And that, my friends, is how Joe Thornton became a San Jose Shark.


Ladies and Gentlemen, the new captain of your Columbus Blue Jackets. Adam Foote.

I wonder who is going to captain the Bruins now? Thornton (Joe) in San Jose is going to put up some bigger numbers without having to worry about captaincy. Their current captain, Patrick Marleau, has 12 (!) points in the 4 games since Thornton has joined the team.

noun Madman, Lunatic.

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