Saturday, December 17, 2005

Millen Man March

Well news out of Detroit is mutinous. It's crazy. First, the fans have the Millen Man March prepared for the tailgate party before tomorrows game against the Bengals. No doubt it's a protest. Secondly, and this is completely crazy, another protest has people being asked to show up in Bengal orange and black and to cheer for the Bengals.

I can't believe they might do that. Detroit people, follow hockey. You've got Zetterberg, Datsyuk. Hell, the Pistons are kicking serious ass this year too. What are they, 17-3 now? Leave the Lions alone.
As a Leafs fan, I have no idea what to expect in tonites game against the Sens. I'm going to sit in my apartment wearing my jersey and clinching my teeth while yelling at the tv. Unbiasedly, I predict a 5-4 win for the Leafs. Seriously.

Friday, December 16, 2005

toasters that kill

There are certain things that people just know without experience. For example; putting ones penis in a toaster and then turning it on. I don't need to try that out to know it wouldn't be pleasant. Or putting my penis in a sandwich maker, waffle maker, George Forman grill and then turning it on. I don't need to try it to know it wouldn't be a pleasurable experience. If you're having trouble imagining what I'm saying, here's a picture of a toaster to help you out.

And now you must be wondering why I'm talking about inserting my penis into inanimate kitchen appliances. Good question. My answer to that is, its gotta go somewhere, right?

Speaking of which. What exactly did King Kong want to do with that girl? I mean, he would ruin her. I'm trying to picture how it would work, but it's kinda difficult. It's because he's huge and she's not. And isn't the whole King Kong thing a twisted version of bestiality? This isn't like breeding dogs people. It's about a 25-foot Gorilla trying to have a relationship with a 5 foot 6 inch female human. It's time to play matchmaker. King Kong, do I have a girl for you.

Everybody needs somebody to love.


So I was watching the Red Wings Panthers game last night. What is up? Panthers beating the Red Wings? After beating the Predators? These teams probably don't see each other enough. Or the Panthers are much better than they're letting on.

Anyways. How would you like to be an NHL GM and come up with these stats from a guy you drafted in the 6th round, 171 overall in 1998?

GP G A Pts +/- PIM Shots
32 12 24 36 +10 6 63

Or how about these numbers from a guy in the 7th round, 210 overall in 1999?

GP G A Pts +/- PIM Shots
32 15 18 33 +5 12 108

Talk about late round picks coming to fruition. Detroit, you might have Matt Millen, but you also have Ken Holland. If you don't know, now you know.

a priori adj 1 : characterized by or derived by reasoning from self-evident propositions 2 : independent of experience.


What is a Hoss? A term that refers to a male partaking in something to the fullest enjoyment. i.e. someone who goes into a store and buys a gallon of milk and a bottle of chocolate syrup with the intention of drinking the entire thing in one sitting is a serious hoss.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

you say tomato, i say potato

Watching the French language leaders debate on CBC Newsworld, I find myself incredibly bored. Harper, Martin, Layton and Duceppe are answering public questions and bashing each other at the same time. For some reason it reminds me of a show I flipped by last night. I think it was called America's Next Top Model, or something, and it had a reunion show on the set of Tyra Bank's daily talk show. Anyways, it was a show with all the contestants and they reminisced and blah blah blah. I was watching because it was filled with models, not because they might have something to say.

Anyways before I got to the mute button, I learned some things. For example, Tyra Banks has no idea how to conduct an interview, from what I saw. Every question she had for someone else was a 5 second answer for them, and a lead in for a two-minute story by her. She's really egotistical. I couldn't believe it.

Tyra: So, how do you feel about stealing Nikki's line?
Generic Model: I didn't even know I was stealing her line.
Tyra: I know exactly what you're talking about. This one time, on the set of this music video I saw the choreographer do this move for another girl and then when it became my time I just stole it. Because it was, and will always be all about me.
Me: can't find mute button.....aaaahhhhh the pain, the pain, make it stop.
Tyra: Wooo, yeah.
Me: I think she just randomly 'woo-ed' and 'yeah-ed'. I really have to stop talking to myself out loud.

I used to think she was hot, and now can only stand her if I have a mute button nearby.

Back to the debate, it's all about what the leaders have done. Best question of the night asked so far was from a lady who basically asked if they (the leaders) swear to keep their campaign promises.

Oh, snap! Layton just went over the 15-second limit and didn't stop to complete his Martin bash.

Anyways, none of them answered the question initially, as if they weren't programmed to tell a lie about telling the truth. All their synapse simply stopped working. All your base are belong to us.

And the best line of the night belongs to the CBC.CA live blogger.

8:38 p.m. EST
Who provided the uniforms for these guys? Was there some kind of ruling issued that said they all had to wear the exact same outfits - dark suits and light blue shirts?

So true. Whoever the live blogger is, they kick ass. Not just for that remark, but for the general informed tone of their posts. Well done good blog people.

Why am I watching this debate throughout? Because I want to watch something while I eat my cake and drink my milk.

Anyways, it is going to snow like heck here tonite.

nuit blanche : white night : a sleepless night

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

the clock is dead, long live the clock

20 years. I've had my alarm clock for over 20 years. Last week it decided to tell time in an accelerated fashion. Meaning that, when it was supposed to be 8:00 am, it was actually 11:00 pm, and 9:00am was 11:15 pm. I had it for so long, the radio failed to work, and the buzzer sounded more annoying then the one at Philips Arena.

*Digression- Even the commentators on Turner Sports hate that buzzer that goes off when the Thrashers score a goal. It's so freaking annoying, it's not funny. Although, if I was in charge of that horn I'd probably do the exact same thing. As a Leafs fan, haven't heard it much, but if you caught the Red Wings-Thrashers game last night, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's just about the most obnoxious horn in the history of horns.*

So my clocky died. I went out and got another one. My life has changed because of it. Lo and behold it not only had sleep and snooze buttons, but it also had a nap button! A freaking nap button! So I went home and tried out the nap button. It's great, if I want to take a nap, I hit the nap button, and set it anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours (default is 20 minutes). Plus it has a 2-alarm setting (one could be the radio and the other could be a buzzer). So if ever I needed to set two separate waking times, I could do it without screwing up. It's gonna be my new pick up line for chicks. "Hey baby, check it out, I got two alarms. Yeah, that's right. I can wake up, and you don't have to until your alarm goes off." I'm gonna have to start beating the women away with a stick. Ahh delusion. Good times.

Nap button. I don't know how I napped without one.

I've also decided to retire the numbers 19, 99, and 93. Yzerman, Gretzky, Gilmour. 13 is well on its way to being retired. Mats Sundin he will go down as the greatest Leaf captain ever. I welcome your arguments.

n : a Cuban dance in slow duple time

Saturday, December 10, 2005

he lays in the reins

So, a week or so ago, Doug Wilson (GM of the San Jose Sharks) was walking down the street. A carefree soul, even though his hockey team was under performing. He knew that they have the talent to succeed. It just takes some time for them to mesh in the new Gary Bettman Hockey League. As he walks, he's whistling the tune of 'the man comes around' by Johnny Cash. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees this in a window.

[picture courtesy of Heather Creegan at soveryobsessed(dot)com]

He thinks to himself, "I could use a Thornton. I already got one, and he's working out pretty well, I sure could use another one. It won't hurt to go inside and see if I can get me one more of those Thorntons."

So he walks in. The guy at the cash register looks kinda frazzled, like he hasn't slept in a week. Doug says hello and asks about the sign in the window. The guy behind the cash yelps, and runs into the corner. Doug caught a glimpse of the cashier's nametag, it said 'Sullivan'.

A door opens. A man walks out. He calls himself 'Mike'. Doug asks about the cashier, and Mike responds,

"Oh don't worry about him, he's just a little frazzled. It's been a trying time for all of us here at the store. Business is slow. Winter is coming, and we're out of eggnog. Want a Thornton?"

"Sure," Doug responds, "how much?"

"Oh, not much. A first line winger, a solid defenseman. Prefer those two to be Canadian. A first round draft pick because this Thornton was a first overall pick. And another scoring winger. But we need a German winger. Not too many people have German wingers that can score. In return for those three, you get a franchise player, a six-foot bruising playmaker. We've already developed him, so he's just entering his prime."

"I see." Doug starts searching his pockets, trying to play it cool. It sounds like a good deal. Mike incorrectly interprets Doug's movements as a sign that he might be searching for his car keys. Just last week Mike did almost the exact same thing to exit when in conversation with his friend Wayne. Mike reached into his pockets and set off his car alarm and then excused himself. Mike quickly adds.

"Look, either we get rid of this Thornton or one of Sullivan or myself has to go. It's our best product, and the commission we make off of this transaction will feed us come the holiday season. So here's what I'm going to do. Even though this is already half-price of what Thornton merchandise is worth, I'm going to get rid of the first round draft pick demand. And, remember that first line Canadian? Well, he doesn't have to be a first line one, but he has to have an older brother in the league."

Doug is having a hard time containing his excitement. He has a Canadian defenseman to spare, he's got a German scoring winger (the rarest of the German wingers) and he has a winger with a brother in the league. And even though that winger took a puck to the face and instead of skating off stayed on and shot the puck that hit him from the blueline into the back of the net, Doug feels as though he can spare him for a Thornton. A Thornton doesn't come along everyday. To actual have someone who has a Thornton, a developed, over point-a-game pace Thornton, to have someone willing to sell one, and then at half price. Well, Doug had found the cell phone in his pocket that he was searching for and already text messaged "OMG-even strength problem solved" to his buddy Ron. Doug had a freaky skill of being able to compose text messages on his cell phone without looking at the keys.

Doug reached into his pocket, pulled out the Stuart, Primeau and Sturm that fit Mike's demand. Threw them on the counter, took his Thornton and left.

And that, my friends, is how Joe Thornton became a San Jose Shark.


Ladies and Gentlemen, the new captain of your Columbus Blue Jackets. Adam Foote.

I wonder who is going to captain the Bruins now? Thornton (Joe) in San Jose is going to put up some bigger numbers without having to worry about captaincy. Their current captain, Patrick Marleau, has 12 (!) points in the 4 games since Thornton has joined the team.

noun Madman, Lunatic.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

the insults felt so nice, i had to write about them twice

Check it out; wouldn't these numbers look good on a player for the Raptors?


8.4 12.6 0.6
1.60 24

Granted, those are only 5 games worth, but Pape Sow is doing a good job in the NBA developmental league.

As for the big boys, they put on quite the offensive display last night in Washington. I think the score was 61-59 for the Raptors at the half. They stood a chance, having the lead and all, but there was no defence for Gilbert Arenas. That man just kills the Raptors. Well, he kills a lot of teams these days but it sure does feel like he twists that dagger a little deeper when playing the Raptors.

But there is hope for the Raptor fans. Dare I call them the best 3-16 team ever? I think I can, because the word 'best' probably hasn't been used to describe a 3-16 team. But they've lost a few games due to bad calls by the refs, inexperienced plays by some rookies, and, well, just not scoring as much as the other guys. My nomination for Captain of the Raptors is Morris Peterson. From day one this season he's been the guy with the most positive attitude on the team. Bosh is the talent, Charles V is the future, Calderon is the crazy European, Arajuo is the screaming banshee, Joey "please don't call me golden" Graham is the flair, and Mo Pete is the heart. Where Jalen Rose fits into this, and more importantly Sam Mitchell's plan, is yet to be determined. Most likely he will be playing the role of "good player who can't d-up and for some reason is singled out for that even though the whole team can't." His abysmal shooting doesn't help the cause this year, although his durability is top-notch. What's that? It appears I've forgotten somebody?

I'm Mike James, bitch.

And him. So Mo Pete hits a crazy three at the end of the 4th to tie it, after missing a three and grabbing his own rebound. It was a good shot. But then they lost. All was for naught. Raptors have only had 4 games out of the 19 where they've had a better FG% than the opponents. They're 2-2 in those games (it was the only stat I could find that didn't make the team appear horrible). All I want for Christmas is some defence.

Insert segue here.

GM's and Presidents everywhere are under fire. Well, J.P. and JFJ aren't. J.P. added B.J. and A.J. and might be looking into getting C.J. from the Pirates. Mr. Babcock...has lots of family, or so it may seem.

But in Detroit, where they fired the coach, a fan held up a makeshift sign this past weekend.

In reference to Lions President Matt Millen. The fan was chased around the building and tackled by security. A few days later another Fire Millen signed showed up at a Detroit Red Wings hockey game. Ah, good times.

What are the odds that Millen takes another receiver with his first round pick this year? They could have drafted Shawne Merriman this year (who San Diego got from the New York Football Giants and Eli trade) instead of Mike Williams, and Jonathan Vilma the year before instead of Roy Williams (although Roy is a stud), and a whole bunch of guys in 2003 instead of the guy they're trying to get some money back from (Charles Rogers). Although you have to admire Mr. Rogers' attitude about the whole situation, he appears as though he just wants to play football. Rogers told the Free Press: Because this is football, man. This is the game you love, man. We was playing this game for free when we was born. It ain't all about the bread, you know?

Check out the list of names they could have taken instead of Joey Joe Joe Harrington in 2002. (Keep in mind they had Mike McMahon as a backup at this point, a guy who Millen drafted in 2001 and who would end up being 50-50 to start against Harrington until he left for Philadelphia this year. And if they waited a year with McMahon at the helm, a guy like Byron Leftwich was available for the taking. Hindsight is always 20-20, but just for shits and giggles.)
  • Quinten Jammer CB-Chargers
  • Roy Williams FS-Cowboys
  • John Henderson DT-Jaguars
  • Dwight Freeney DE-Colts
  • Ed Reed SS-Ravens
Notice a trend? I like d-guys in the first round.

But I'm being harsh on Millen here. To his credit, he does appear to have a plan. The last first round pick that was used to draft a defensive player was in 1999, when they took Chris Claiborne. Millen started in 2001 and stocked up on the offensive line and then took skill players. For some reason filling the O-line with youth didn't add up, or hasn't so far. His drafts have consistently produced starters, and the Lions are still a young team. In fact, the only seriously questionable thing that Millen has done is fire Mariucci this year.

Dre' Bly blamed Harrington for Mooch's firing. Millen seems to have blamed Mooch for Detroit's poor record. Detroit fans blamed Millen for the poor performance. The fact of the matter is that football games are a delicate balance. Any given Sunday any team can win, right? Just that the Lions have been unlucky more than lucky so far this year. One thing the fans can count on is the Super bowl coming to town. A game, in my estimation, that will feature the Chargers and the Panthers.

The Colts will not make it because they do not exist in my football universe. They are a team from the future playing exhibition games with NFL teams this year. They do not qualify for the Super bowl.

Circadian : being, having, characterized by, or occurring in approximately 24-hour periods or cycles (as of biological activity or function).

Friday, December 02, 2005

and now for something completely different

I do not like Junk Mail and Spam
I do not like them
Sam, I am

I do not like them here or there
I do not like them anywhere
I do not like them in my mail
I read not, delete lot, they all fail

I will not read them on the train
I will not read them for a dame
I wipe them from my inbox
I do not need to swell my cock

I do not read them in a house
I would not, could not, click with mouse
I do not like Junk Mail and Spam
I do not like them
Sam, I am

Junk Mail and Spam
Junk Mail and Spam
I do not like Junk Mail and Spam

Sam, I am


Monday, November 28, 2005

the newest B.J.

Damn skippy. After the computer drafted my team and gave me B.J. Ryan in MVP 2005 as my closer I turned to my friend and said that the Jays should pick this guy up. He responded with "really?"

The next day the New York Daily News reported that the Jays had signed him to a big contract. I thought, "wow, I'm smart" but then realized that the story could be a ploy to get the Mets to sign Wagner, or at least drive up Wagner's price.

I now don't care. I'd don't know if I'd rather have Ryan over Burnett, because it looks like this signing will prevent the Jays from getting Burnett. And although Burnett has a live arm, the scarcity of good free agents might just drive up the price of the few that are good.

But this allows Batista to get out of the pen, and possibly moved for a bat, which would be ideal. The Jays need a bat, Koskie wasn't up to the task last year, Hillenbrand was great, but the power loss of Delgado was felt. One more bat. I'm going to silently wish for one more bat.

In fact, I've just looked at the Jay lineup, I seriously don't think that they're going to sign Burnett if they have already signed Ryan. Halladay, Lilly, Chacin, Towers, and Bush/Downs could round out the rotation. Course, if I'm wrong, I'd love to be wrong. In fact, if they do sign Burnett, there is a Latin phrase that would apply to me,

non omnis moriar : I shall not wholly die

Sunday, November 27, 2005

blind partisanship

I noticed something kinda off about Alex Ovechkin during some of his shootouts. This is the best picture I could find of him during one, and it's pretty tough to see it here, but; Ovechkin goes down the ice with his tongue hanging out. Look for it if you can catch Washington in a shootout, he's usually the first shooter. He goes down the ice with his tongue is a wagging. Sorta like another an ex-Washington basketball star.

Speaking of basketball, the Raptors suck this year. Suck suck suck. Don't take it personal fans, and don't take it out on me, I'm just the messenger. Don't worry though, this Friday (December 2) should be a good battle of ineptitude between the Hawks and the Raptors.

Leafs had a big win last night. Now some people might assume that because I said the Raptors suck, and then started the next paragraph about the Leafs, and since they're both under the MLSE umbrella, that because the Raptors suck the Leafs are doing well. That is just plain wrong, and quite frankly, an incorrect assumption. Leafs are quietly doing their thing yo. Wellwood looks good with SundSteen, Allison between the towers seems to fly, because they're all three moving at about the same mach speed on the ice. If O'Niell and Lindros can get some chemistry between them, that's three capable scoring lines. Chad Kilger has scored 2 goals in two games. What is up?

28 shooter is what is up. Last night, like any social butterfly, I sat down with a friend, some beer, and watched hockey and basketball until I couldn't take it anymore. Pretty much the only thind distinguishing a Saturday night from any other night is the beer. Anyway's last night, Dave Maloney, the play-by-play man for the Rangers put together the best speech humanly possible for the Malik goal. And I quote Maloney as Malik picks up the puck and skates down;

Malik has not scored this year. In on Kolzig, fakes it, aaaaahhhhhhhh, aaaaahhhhhhhh. Oh Malik went between his legs, and the Rangers win it in a shootout.

After the game, Malik said that he saw the move done in the Czech Republic last year and had tried it in practices. He probably didn't do well in practices as Renney selected him to shoot in the 15th round. As Jagr said, "you have to have guts to do that move. In front of 20,000 people watching you, it's not that easy to do." (AP)

A side note, Jason Strudwick was named alternate captain in light of Rucchin sitting out his second straight game. Captaincy is a big deal in the NHL, Luke Richardson resigned his captainship of the Blue Jackets before last nights game against the Blues. Richardson said that it's not about playing time, but rather that he just felt that he didn't deserve the position of Captain. I feel that Nash is too young right now, not to mention injured, to take over the captaincy (see Tampa Bay and Lecavalier). I don't think it will go to Vyborny, but it probably will go to Foote. Although I wouldn't be surprised if they pulled a Ranger and rolled with three alternates.

Tutelary adj 1 : having the guardianship of a person or a thing tutelary goddess>
2 : of or relating to a guardian

Friday, November 25, 2005

Where the sun?

It sure did get right into mid-winter temperatures round up here in Ottawa, eh?
-15 with the windchill? Check.
Drivers still thinking it's a dry summer day when really there's snow and ice on the road? Check.
New York Rangers leading the Eastern Conference? Check.

And there you have it. Sure, Ottawa might have 6 (yes SIX) games in hand on them, but lets give credit to where the schedule is weird, Ottawa has played the least amount of games in the NHL as of this day. Although it's not all due to the wonky Olympic season schedule, Ottawa's game versus the Florida Panthers was postponed on October 22nd.

But back to those hard skating Rangers. Tom Renney has them doing something right, I remember watching them play against the Leafs and thinking that they were skating hard. In another game against the Penguins, the Pittsburgh colour commentator remarked on how hard the Ranger team skates. They're young, they're fresh. And they have no captain. Rucchin, Jagr, and Kasparaitis all wear the 'A'. I wonder how other many teams are captainless this year, if there are any? Anyways, Jagr said some interesting things after last nights 6-3 over the Atlanta Thrashers.

"I don't know how to explain this exactly, but when you play against Atlanta, it's not very hard hockey," Jagr said. "It's a lot of skating. You've got to be very careful not to miss your chances, or they'll go the other way. They've got such talented scorers, they can make you pay." (AP)

Which is a backhanded compliment I guess. But this must be the Dr. Jekyll version of Atlanta, there have been games this year where all they do is skate into people. Mr. Hyde version of Atlanta must be the team that played against the Leafs earlier this year in October.

Back to the Rangers, it seems as though they do have a sense of perspective. Said Jagr: "The confidence is here for a reason: because we don't play bad hockey. We can beat, I'm not saying anybody, but it's close. We haven't faced Ottawa, but we've played some pretty good teams."

1 : boiling, agitated
2 : characterized by ebullience

About Ted Saskin's Majority Approval. Here's some math in regards to the secret ballot results of September 12, 2005. PricewaterhouseCoopers states 85% approval with majority of 37 votes in.
20 is a majority of 37.
85% of 20 is 17.
17 in favour, if every other vote is against it, 20 against.
Which means that it is conceivable that he gets the boot. Just saying things can be spun in different ways. December 16th is the deadline for receiving votes.
As you were.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Welcome to the Joey Joe Joe Show

This sign was enough to get a couple of guys kicked out of the Raptor game last week. They weren't being obnoxious, distracting, or any sort of a problem. They simply put up this sign during stoppages in play. Security that kicked them out said that the section was complaining; yet no one in their section appeared to be. In fact, as they were being escorted out of the building, everyone was booing security.

In this case security exhibited a classic case of this is our answer, it's a blatant lie, but there's nothing you can do about it. Must be nice to be able to abuse power.

Speaking of stupid, here's something I've found out. I had my issues with the Vince Carter trade of last year, and I mentioned something that REALLY pissed me off about the trade, but could never find concrete evidence to prove me right.

Thanks to I can see that the Raptors sit 12th out of 30 teams in terms of payroll. The sad sack Knicks have twice as much payroll it seems. Some real ugly contracts there. It seems that they're on the hook for Alan Houston's contract at about $20 million. Ugh.

Here's what I found out that irks me. The Raptors are paying Alonzo Mourning $4 million dollars over the next two years. He's only costing Miami 1 million and change. The third biggest contract on the Raptors this year is Lamond Murray. He's getting over $5 million from the Raptors and just over $1 million from the Nets, who he plays for.

Alonzo Mourning never played for the Raptors. Murray left the organization this past off-season and called the franchise incompetent in an article with a major New York newspaper.

Rob Babcock. Noticed you abandoned your blog on the Raptors website. You might as well put up your resume there instead. I'll admit that the draft picks this past season are turning out better than expected (considering people expected them to be worthless, it wouldn't take much for them to be better) but you're showing no sense of a plan for this team. At least Isiah Thomas has the excuse of being crazy; I don't think you're crazy. I think you're a rational man who just happens to be absolutely foolish as a general manager. I think Ed Stafanksi (GM of the Nets) summed it up best last year after the deal that sent Vince Carter to the Nets.

You never know if a team is going to say 'no' unless you ask them.

: to cause to be at a loss as to what to say, think, or do

As a side, there's a link at the bottom of the front page of the Toronto Raptor website to the NBA Fan Code of Conduct. The Raptors and Miami are the only two teams to have that link. To put it in perspective, the Detroit Pistons (home of the famous brawl between fans and Pacers) don't have a link.

Joey Graham's new nickname should be the Joey Joe Joe show.

Monday, November 21, 2005

rock and a hard place

Ok, here's the deal. I don't want to be one of those guys who are just a critic. I especially try to avoid criticism of the pundits in the mainstream media because usually they have an agenda of sorts.

A little history. I'm from Toronto, so Leafs fan in enemy territory here. Toronto pundits (the Strachans, Simmons, Coxs) are almost all, to a man, serious critics of the Leafs. Enough history.

On to the present. The Ottawa journalists (at least the sports ones) are collectively, to a man, pure cheerleaders for the Senators. Which is great, seeing as the team is doing well and all in this new NHL. They even had a recent article where their coach, Bryan Murray, criticized Steve Yzerman's comments. Murray, speaking lightly I can only hope, called Yzerman senile.

Now Murray and Yzerman know each other well I hope, for Yzerman captained the Murray led Red Wings for a few years. Yzerman is the Captain. And the Sens are doing well, and the Red Wings are too, but I take serious consideration to the man on the team that is doing well and still has legitimate concerns to the coach who is doing well and is being fed softballs by the journalists.

So here I am, stuck in a town of a rival team where everybody is just gaga in love with each other, and having a favourite team where people can find something wrong with the way Sundin ties his skates. Which is worse? Never good to choose between extremes, I choose balance.

Lindros captured the situation best on Saturday night, after a 5-1 beating of the Thrashers. After the game he was talking to Ron MacLean and was told about Steve Larmer's resignation from the NHLPA. I believe Lindros' said, in a despondent voice,

Geez, Saturday night in Toronto we win 5-1 and we get this.

Inferring that it's rarely easy for Leaf players in speaking with the press. I don't want rah-rah cheerleading, just maybe some non-agenda reporting of the game once in a while.

Anyways, what spurred this post was a CBC show about the secret Mulroney tapes. He called the Ottawa press gallery, after he was elected, indolent.

I feel that applies currently to the sports guys. Way to go guys, keep up the Ottawa tradition.

Indolent adj 1 a : causing little or no pain b : slow to develop or heal 2 a : averse to activity, effort, or movement : habitually lazy b : conducing to or encouraging laziness c : exhibiting indolence

Saturday, November 19, 2005

process of elimination

This is Mike Hasenfratz. He is dancing. Nothing personal Mike, but you've just been caught in a coincidence.

Apparently Steve Yzerman reads my blog, or great minds think alike. Because Stevie Y is a great mind. Flattery aside, Mr. Yzerman came out and lambasted the new NHL, and more specifically, the penalty calling. Sound familiar?

So what? Anyone who watches hockey will notice the increase in penalties. Neither Stevie nor myself are saying anything of note. But wait.

Stevie speaks out after a Thursday (17 November) night’s loss against the Oilers. Up 3-1 in the third period, the Red Wings decided to allow 4 straight goals to the Oil, managed to tie it at 5 with two late goals of their own, and then lost it 6-5 in overtime.

Wonderful recap Hoss, not to mention a few days old. But wait, here's what Yzerman said after the game.

"I'll just use Mathieu Schneider's penalty as an example. He steps up and takes his guy out, and his stick gets caught and the crowd cheers so the referee puts his hand up. There has to be some discretion. The referees have to use some judgment on what is a penalty and what is not. They've taken judgment out of it and I think it's somewhat made it easy on the referees just to call anything, because there is no judgment.

"Good referees used to have good judgment. Now they've taken that out of the game. I'm not saying I'm blaming the referees for it, I just feel the whole thing has to be adjusted and they have to look at this seriously. They can't continue to call irrelevant things that have no business being called."

Wonderful, most major websites with hockey focus will have a link to an article with those quotes. I got it from TSN. I also got the box score from TSN. Just checked the referees, you know, for shits and giggles. Anyway, they were, Stephane Auger and Mike Hasenfratz.

Hasenfratz. I've officially got my eye on you and not in a sexual, hey-baby-come’ ere -a-minute type eye on you. You're on the radar for bad officiating. Stevie Y and me say so.

Catechize 1 : to instruct systematically especially by questions, answers, and explanations and corrections; specifically : to give religious instruction in such a manner
2 : to question systematically or searchingly

Friday, November 11, 2005

are zebra's blind?

Because with all these new rules in the new NHL, some of these younger refs do appear to be. They are making some really horrid calls. For example, Wednesday night in Florida, the Rangers were playing the Panthers and down by a goal late in the third period. They got the puck behind the Florida net, and then threw it across the crease. The Panther player Serge Payer, made a great defensive play to block, tie up the Ranger player from shooting the puck. I see a referee’s hand go up, and they called Payer for holding the stick. Payer had both of his hands on his own stick. He was tying up the Ranger player's stick as the pass comes across. And they call him for holding. Just bullshit. These are the names of the two guys who were calling that game, Mike Hasenfratz and Shane Heyer. Don't be surprised if you
a) Don’t see these guys ever, especially not refereeing a playoff game
b) See these guys at the centre of some controversy.

Anyways, it's not completely their fault. The two-ref system has increased the amount of younger refs. But man, they're making some big calls. I just heard Joe Bowen comment on a referee going into the Carolina Hurricane dressing room after a game against the Leafs on November 3rd, to apologize to the 'Canes and specifically Eric Cole, for calling a diving penalty on Eric Cole while he was on a breakaway late in the game. A breakaway that could have gotten him the hat trick. Anyways, the Cane's won that game against the Leafs, so it's not really a big deal. Imagine if they called that and the 'Canes were losing? For those of you who like coincidences, so far into tonight’s game and including his last game against Buffalo, Eric Cole has had 3 penalty shots handed to him. Karma? I think not. Sounds more like hush money to me.

Evince vb 1 : to constitute outward evidence of 2 : to display clearly: Reveal

And here's a random quote that I found in my notebook today.

'Patty Keane was stupid on purpose, which was the case for most women in Midland City. The women all had big minds because they were big animals, but they did not use them much for this reason: unusual ideas could make enemies, and women, if they were going to achieve any sort of comfort and safety, needed all the friends they could get.
So in the interests of survival, they trained themselves to be agreeing machines instead of thinking machines. All their minds had to do was to discover what other people were thinking and then they thought that too.' - Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

can't sleep, clown'll eat me

It started when a friend of mine and I decided to draft a fantasy team and simulate a season in NHL 06 instead of writing a story for a short story contest.

Well, it probably started before that. But lets just say that this week it started when video games took precedence over literary creativity.

It ended at about 5 am last night. As I was waiting for a friend from class to message me with some of his answers for an assignment I had due today, I decided to simulate a NBA season by drafting an NBA team. After all, it was opening night in the NBA last night.

It hit me as I was leaving my 8:30 am class today. A class that I tried to sleep through most of, although I did hand said assignment in.

What is it? Is it that I have a greater tendency to talk out loud to myself when sleep deprived? Well, yes that is true. It seems that my inner monologue/dialogue tends to overflow the levees of social norms to a greater extent when the tides of sleep don't get a chance to settle. At one point a person stood up, looked around frantically and queried, or more accurately exclaimed "Who are you talking to!?" That person was in my head. He also made me laugh, and it seems upon reflection, at myself.

No, that's not it. What it is, is this: if television is a drug, it's probably marijuana. The gateway drug. If television is a Mary Jane, then Xbox (or video games) are hard drugs like cocaine or heroin. You can just keep going and going. Lets examine some of the common attributes between the hard drugs and video games. For this purpose, I will use Xbox and cocaine as the drugs of choice.

Pupils dilate with light from television.
Can use for excessive hours without noticing the affects of fatigue.
Prone to talking to oneself, muttering and constantly talking, if to no one else than to the TV.
Alertness when you first start slowly fades until action picks up again.
After prolonged use, posture weakens, destroying the lower back.
After spending many days at home playing games, friends and family begin to get concerned and try to intervene. You shout back at them “leave me alone!” Which, of course, is exactly the opposite of what they do next. A few weeks later you find yourself in a remarkably soothing setting, sitting under a tree, talking to an attendant named Juan who is under strict orders to monitor you. You know why he’s there, but you still enjoy the human company. You find yourself smoking and wondering what happened those last few years. You don’t even know why you played vids so much, it’s not like you have any memories from the game playing. You’re home for one year before you decide you don’t even miss the vids and you get back your Xbox from your mother. Two weeks later you’re sitting under a tree talking to Juan again.

Pupils dilate.
Can use for excessive hours without noticing the affects of fatigue.
Prone to talking to oneself, muttering and constantly talking, if to no one else than to the TV or any inanimate object, real or perceived.
Alertness when you first start slowly fades until you line up again.
After prolonged use, posture weakens, destroying the lower back.
Rehab. Relapse. Repeat.

A very scientific study. I'm nothing if not thorough. A good man, and thorough. Consequences of combining hard drugs and video games is at least two days without sleep and three days before you realize you haven't had any food either. Not that I would know.

quiescent adj 1 : marked by inactivity or repose : tranquilly at rest 2 : causing no trouble or symptoms.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

what playoffs do to me...

my life, I need to sleep, it's almost midnight.... baseball game is now tied.... can't sleep until game ends.... hope it doesn't go late.... top of ninth.... announcer just used word 'supposibly', wish I was kidding.... am hungry and went to the fridge and for some reason my crackers are in my fridge....

abeyance n : a condition of suspended activity.

My life is held in abeyance until the game ends. Chicks are impressed with my use of 'abeyance' until the full meaning of that last sentence hits them.

First stand up comic to use definitions to self-deprecate? I think that coulds be mes. Supposibly I'm funny at times.

bottom of ninth innning.... go Astros.... i looove chocolate, but its soo bad for me, but i looooove it.... that last quote was from family guy.... I'm seeing how long I can go without my beard itching me.... Go Leafs Go.... rambling now, as if you didn't notice.... endless stream of consciousness until the game ends.... this is how baseball announcers should call the game.... why won't someone score.... just one run.... and the pitcher throws to first.... argh.... when will Linus meet the Great Pumpkin?... pickoff throw misses, winning run on second with one out... runner steals third base.... wow.... what a play.... fly ball does it..... do they dare squeeze?... how do they get the caramel inside the caramilk bar?.... walk, great, that sets up a double play.... but it's Taveras, he's so fast.... 0-2 pitch coming, i sense a ball in the dirt.... wrong, pitch was high... wish i was high... wish i was asleep... now 2-2 count... swing and a miss.... and here comes the man Lance Berkman... and they walk him.... it's all up to Morgan, go Morgan.... i might just fall asleep at the keyboard.... probably would have funny the way, watch Donnie Darko if you haven't already, it's set around halloween, it's about that time now.... game is going extra innings... nvcvrhybhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... that was the sound of my forhead hitting the keyboard.... i can't do this anymore.... someone win already.... go Astros...

Monday, October 24, 2005

back of the bus

Here's what I think I would look like if I was a South Park character. I have on my favourite green sweater (that I wear about 70% of the time between November and March) and some grey Value-Village pants. I think I'd walk around getting agitated easily, and an endless source of Cartman racist jokes that would just raise my ire. I would also smoke to try and make my voice raspy, but not quite so much so as that my voice would disappear. This character would have depth, and would be at the endless butt of many jokes for the other lads. When alone in his room, he would play with his Playmobil and pretend he was a superhero.

So a new thing that's started is that when I log on to my hotmail account, it says that some user has added me to their list. At first I thought, 'cool, could be a hot chick.' A few seconds later, after I calmed down, I got a message from this new person. Of course, they don't speak english. They do speak crappy french, or maybe I have crappy ears. So this fragmented conversation takes place where all that happens is that I don't get my Stats assignment done.

Anyways, now I don't accept these new people adding me to their list. I don't know why they do it, and I don't know why I talk to them.

semaphore n 1: a visual signaling apparatus with movable arms 2 : signaling by hand-held flags.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

blind mans bluff

The new NHL 06 game for xbox has a little thing in it. They have rendered faces from players and coaches, and those players and coaches seem to say things at certain times. For example, when a penalty is called, sometimes you can see the player mouth the word 'bullshit' as he heads to the penalty box.
There are others, some say things more expilict then that. Safe to say, if you don't know the swear words, you're not learning anything new. So for kids, they aren't really exposed to anything.

jackanapes n 1 : monkey, ape 2 : an impudent or conceited person

Days are getting longer hours are getting shorter. I have this new theory, I'm not a good late fall, early winter person.

I was also wrong about the White Sox. I apologize to them but it seems as though they're doing a good job of taking care of business.

I also hate Philadelphia. Not much against the people, but in particular order the;

1) Flyers
2) Eagles and Andy Reid
3) Phillies (Mitch Williams bitches)
4) 76ers

Can all go desecrate themselves. We will never get along. It’s not me, it’s you.

Check it out, tv writing:

‘They’ve gotten to you haven’t they.’

Who? What? Was that a question? If you mean you and your crappy, crappy dialogue, then the answer is yes.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

harvest moon

Sure it might have been last month, but for 5 minutes last night I caught it as it rose. Huge full moon. Just so the farmers have more daylight so they can harvest their crops until later in the evening. I'd like to thank the female race for inventing agriculture and giving those males who didn't want to kill something to bring home to eat.

Reason #2431 I don't get females:

The morbid fascination they seem to carry about death. Not all, but it seems to be a trend with girls I have just met. Maybe it's me (I don't know how it could be but I guess I have to say it). But the facts are, I meet females, and conversations go towards death. Who knows why? Maybe I have bad breath, I dunno. Here are two examples;

1) Driving girl home from a bar. She talks about how she's getting these crazy headaches, and is convinced they're from cell phones, and she's got a tumor and she's going to die at any moment. Cool. I have nothing to add to that conversation, except that we're all going to die at some point. So I keep my mouth shut and keep driving. Wonder what's on the radio.

2) Girl at bar asks me to dance. I say 'yes' and in talking with her I ask her how she busies her time. She says she's a journalist. Goes on to talk about how half the people in this bar are going to die, and viruses will kill a lot of people. Cool. I have nothing to add to that conversation except that we're all going to die at some point. So I keep my mouth shut and keep dancing.

Now, it's been established that I may not be the most Don Juan, or even Don Pedro. But I'm pretty sure these are not acts of flirting. The universe can be a confusing place at times. I'm going to go eat now, because being confused and hungry is a bad combination.

inimical adj 1 : being adverse often by reason of hostility 2 : hostile, unfriendly.

Poker Championship

I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!

This event is powered by PokerStars.

Registration code: 6702462

Monday, October 17, 2005

where has all the water gone?

Walking to school today I noticed something. First sign of winter. They've drained the Rideau Canal. They do that so it can freeze and people can skate/walk/jog on it. So there you have it, I just busted out my autumn sweater last week, and they've already drained the canal.

I also have to try not to think about walking. It's not that I mind walking, or that it's boring or anything. It's that I'm getting the feeling that a slow deconstruction of the mind is taking place, and I'm forgetting simple things, like how to walk.

So, onto reason #1274 on why I'm a fool:

Innocently, I asked a girl that I like for some help with a crossword. I'm probably never going to hear from her again, based on this story and multitude of other reasons, so I don't feel too bad about sharing it (although if I do hear from her, sharing this will be reason #1276). The clue I asked her about was for a five-letter word for "bat eyelashes." I didn't even know that bats had eyelashes. I got one of the letters off another clue. It was the first letter of this five-letter word, 'F'. And I was still thinking that I didn't even know bats had eyelashes.

It wasn't about bats.

So the next day when I got the solution I realized that my obsession with bats had lead me astray. Next thing they're going to tell me is that bats aren't bugs.

For those of you who are like me and are slightly oblivious, the word was 'flirt'. So, when girls are batting their eyelashes, it's not because the wind is in their eyes. Maybe sometimes it's the wind, but definitely not when they're indoors. I seriously need to wake up. I can't believe it's taken me this long to get this one thing. Wow, I've probably missed a chance with tons of girls (well, at least 2) because I'm not good at this non-verbal talking to other people thingie.

I think this is an appropriate description of myself.

Flibbertigibbet n : a silly flighty person.

Friday, October 14, 2005

the pressure of the spotlight

Mike Martz, the coach of the St. Louis Rams, is in a hospital with a heart condition. Sad news to hear, but it bears some reflection. This is the same coach, who in the first play of this 2005 season used his first coach’s challenge. He challenged the kickoff, where his returner stepped out of bounds with the ball at the Rams own 2-yard line. Needless to say, he lost that challenge.

Because of that, and for many other reasons, Mr. Martz has been the whipping boy of a few pundits over the last few years. His coaching style is unorthodox to say the least. Now on the global stage this Monday night against the monster that is the Indianapolis Colts, he will not be at his team’s sideline. Could it be that the pressure finally got to him? Or is he just pulling a Willis Reed?

To the MLB playoffs. Somehow I knew that the game between the White Sox and Angels this past Wednesday night was going to be a classic. I was even going to mention it here. But I didn't. Somewhere off in the distance, a baby is crying. Life goes on.

I think now that we have lost the media globs that are the yankees and the red sox, baseball, from a baseball perspective, is at it's best. The games will make the news, not the historical teams. Except for the fact that the White Sox haven't won a World Series since 1917. Expect that to come up fairly often should the White Sox make it to the Series. History notwithstanding, the baseball being played in the championship series is really fun to watch these days. Cheerleader says, "go team."

I attended a lecture last night by Mr. Tariq Ramadan and Alex Neve. It was about human rights and security. Mr. Neve presented an argument which included the point that human rights are always being put second (or being sacrificed) to some other thing, these days it is security.

Mr. Ramadan presented many valid points revolving around the responsibilities of Muslims in the Western world. It can't be boiled down to simple points. It is a huge subject. But I guess the point is that there is a struggle within each of us, between the crazy dude who seems more fun, and the rational one who is a little more boring. Right now extremism is the way to go. We are not listening to voices in the middle, because they don't sell advertisers. So we automatically align people in extreme camps. Which is unfair. A small minority of people is shaping the image of the vast majority of those people.

What can be done? Speak up before we are sold that we are all crazy dudes of one extreme or another and that we have no rational human side to our selves. Say one thing, and mean that thing. Do not have separate universes. Be one person with everyone, it's easier not to lie than to try to appease everyone else by being what we think they'd like you to be.

We all have different sides to us. But we are all globs of soul. Big and small at the same time.

Glob noun 1 : a small drop : blob 2 : a usually large and rounded mass.

I think the Angels will win in 6, and that the NLCS is going 7, and I flipped a coin that said that the Cardinals will win in 7. The people in St. Louis might not have Mr. Martz, but they do have the Cardinals. And it all comes full circle.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

strictly confidential

Or so they say. And then they proceed to inform me of the millions of dollars the wife of an ex-president of Tanzania wants to give me to store for safe keeping. She got my email address from her late husband's private study, so she knows she can trust me.

It gets better.

There is $25 million in a box, in a safe. The reason it's in a box, is so the security company holding the box wouldn't know its contents. And now they want to put the money in a safer place. Because the present government isn't friendly with her family. I've also won tons of lotteries that I haven't entered.

But the thing that gets me these days is the new word verification procedure. I can't get the words on my first try. They're all tilted and elongated under crossing lines and it confuses me. After my third try the site usually tells me to just type a letter of the alphabet, any letter, it doesn't matter, just be competent enough to strike a key. That's the kind of motivation that can make one start writing a blog.

Callow adj : lacking adult sophistication: immature

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

lessons never learned

Sometimes as we are making mistakes, we realize that we are making the mistake, and we can not do anything to prevent ourselves from making the mistake. It's one of those battles we have within ourselves, and the reasonable one always loses. Why does he lose? Well, I think it's because he's reasonable, and the irrational one is just so much more fun to go with, he's like "yeah, come'on, I know it's crazy, but it'll be great." And it's always crazy, but it's not always great. This was one of the not great nights.

I have made many mistakes, too many to mention, however, tonite I repeated one. Again. Stupid Hoss, stupid, stupid Hoss.

All is not lost. But I have decided to ground myself for the next week or so to try to do some learning from this repeating. Yes, I'm dispensing some self-parenting, because otherwise, I'm not sure I'll learn. Nevermind that I wouldn't have got myself into trouble had I been out.

No matter how down things are at any particular moment, no matter how hard one tries to be on oneself, things will look better in the light of a new day. What a sappy self-promotional speech. Put the head down, keep chugging. Too busy to think.

Assiduous adj : marked by careful unremitting attention or persistent application.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

case of the missing potato

My apartment smells like potato. Maybe it's all the potats I've been eating. I dunno, it seems like there's a potato that went awol and now is just sitting around providing odor.

In other news (learned from Gregg Easterbrook); Voyager has an 8-kilobyte active memory in its main computers, versus a standard 128 megabytes in new desktop PCs for home use. That is to say, your home computer has 16,000 times more processing power than the computer running a spacecraft that has left the solar system.

And I'm spending my free time looking for a mysterious potato. The cusp of civilization, I tells ya.

Porn, dubbed from English into French, is how I'm learning how to speak French. So far, chicks do not dig it.

chanteuse : a female concert or nightclub singer.

Finally, I have to say something about the weather. I'm talking to random old ladies I meet on the street about it, and now I have to record it here. The train of thought that is in my head while I walk around is "this is October?" Because it's not usually 30 degrees Celsius in October. I'm not going to say global warming, the core of earth is a big ball of fire. Because the world does heat up and melt, and clearly we're at a heating up stage. Ok fine, we might be, as a species, accelerating the process of heating up just a tad. So hurricanes, earthquakes, Tsunami's, and outdoor pools in Ottawa in October. This fire is out of control.

Plus side. Chicks in summer dresses and nice skirts. I must have quite the foolish grin on sometimes.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Black Hat Brigade

Never bet against Brett Favre on Monday night, it's a maxim. Against the NFC pick to go to the superbowl, on the road, it might be tough for him to win, but still. Can't bet against Favre on monday night.

So Naomi Klien has a book out, No Logo. I read it years ago when it first came out. That's right, I'm hip to the scene before the scene is hip.

A few years ago I obtained (read: stole from my brother) a fitted hat, that fits me. It's all black, no logo. I've been wearing it, that and my Toronto Maple Leafs hat (that I've had for about 16 years now, I have problems letting things go) around. So, now I see lots of people with the No Logo hat.

Which is funny, because I wanted to know the score of a Red Sox-Yankees game this past friday night, and I went up to a guy who was wearing a fitted Red Sox hat. I asked him if the Red Sox won. His response was "of course they did, otherwise I wouldn't be wearing this hat" or something of that ilk.

So this joke, a Boston Red Sox fan in Ottawa, Ontario Canada, is all about the winning team. What's the lesson to be learned? I cheer for me, and I'll always be my own fan, that's why I wear a hat with no logo. Others cling to a winning team on the hopes of looking cool by being associated with a winner.

Well, now I gots fans all over. Lots of guys are wearing variations of the no logo hats. We are the black hat brigade. Our motto is "peace, love, and evolution of the mind." Just kidding. We have no motto.

We were going to go with "blackie, blackie, rah rah rah", but then we realized how foolish it would be to attach a slogon to a motif of 'no logo'.

For pedagogic reasons, it just might be simpler to say you learn something new everyday.

Pedagogy n : the art or profession of teaching; esp : education.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

just sick

Tonite I found myself saying "what" over and over again, and every time I said it my voice reached a higher pitch. I think my neighbours would have wondered what made me talk outloud to myself in such a manner.

I thought the highlight of the Cleveland Tampa game tonite came early on when Toby Hall (the D-Rays catcher) and Coco Crisp (batter for the Indians) almost came to blows because, get this, Crisp was taking too long to step into the batters box. When Hall motioned for Crisp to hurry up as Crisp was stepping to the plate, Crisp took a step back and brushed some dirt off his shoe. Hall got up, Crisp stepped up, bullpens emptied. Just another basebrawl. Cooler heads prevailed and they played. And then....

Ron Belliard. Cleveland Indians second baseman. Top of seventh against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Runner on first. go to and check their highlights, I'm sure they'll have it. The play was sick. I think that the words 'sick' and 'what' are the only two that I can use to properly describe the visual situation.

Here's the word of the day.

Ron Belliard n 1 : infield baseball player 2: dude can flat out ball.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

directly addressing the matter

Tonite on Monday night football Al Michaels referred to the home field advantage that the Denver Broncos have as being "worth 1.5 points in the spread."

The man has to be a legend to get away with addressing the gambling aspect of football on air. They've always alluded to it, but never talked about it so openly.

Baseball. Just finished watching the debacle that was the monday night game between Kansas City and Denver and flipped over to San Diego to catch the end of the Giants-Padres game. I like to believe that as I'm flipping channels, I'm travelling.

Whats going to haunt me until I die is the female voice saying "Andrew, it's dry and it doesn't smell bad." Stop smelling his clothes, you crazy possessive bitch.

Back to the game, Peavy was pitching. 2-1 Padres top of ninth, Hoffman in. Ellison on first base for the Giants, Winn up to bat, 2 out. Winn hits one deep to centre, Giles goes back back back, leaps at the wall, hits the wall with his back, catches the ball at the wall but drops it as he bounces off the wall and hits the ground. The fireworks operator at Petco Field hit the fireworks button thinking the game was over. Not at all. Ellison scores, 2-2, Winn at third. The next batter Vizquel walks. The next batter J.T. Snow (a roomate of Hoffman at university), singles through the right side to score Winn. 3-2 Giants

Game one of the series, Peavy did the pitching. Vizquel makes 2 great defensive plays to bookend the ninth inning.

It's three games behind for the Giants now.

I may not believe in much, but I do believe that the phrase "the tying run is on base and Barry Bonds is on deck" must not sit well with opposing team pitchers.

Pettifog vb 1 : to engage in legal trickery 2 : to quibble over insignificant details

Monday, September 26, 2005

How was your day?

Sometimes you open your mind and heart through the keyboard and the internet decides to delete it. It doesn't matter. The moment is lost but the word is not.

Manque adj : short of or frustrated in the fulfillment of one's aspirations or talents.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

reflections of a window on a wall

Horology n : the science of measuring time or constructing time-indicating instruments.

The horologist time-traveller noted the amount of electronic/mechanical devices adorned by some classes of humans to recognize which century he had landed in. It was particularly interesting, he remarked, that the initial mechanical construct carried around by the general populace was a form of time telling device. It was furthermore of note that to him that there were those who believed in a superior consciousness being with attributes remarkably similar to humans. These people would use the 'watch-on-a-beach' analogy to argue the existence of there patriarchal superior.

Not taking sides in the argument, the horologist decided that he would provide evidence that everyone can be right. The evidence was called 'smilements'; the usage of smiles to measure the length of moments. The idea for smilements came to him as he eavesdropped on a conversation between a squirrel and a rabbit.

The concept that other animals listen to each other and that most humans do not listen to the animals (domesticated creatures notwithstanding) was baffling to the horologist. So he listened to the squirrel and rabbit discuss how quickly they could move once they heard the approach of a humanoid.

The rabbit remarked how once he was in the middle of a large smilement when a humanoid approached, and how this smilement was so all-encompassing that he forgot to run. The squirrel thought (and correctly so) that humanoids did not recognize the importance of smilements, and rushed along quickly to other things that they had planned to be moments. He continued and remarked that smilements were felt by few humanoids, but those who did know what a smilement was were not respected by other humanoids because of their lack of hygiene.

How do you measure your moments? With memories? As babies, we could never imagine how fast life moves. Before you know it, you're standing at the precipice of your life. All you can see is another pair of eyes. The eyes are smiling because you gave them smilements. And so it was, and so it will always be.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

The band is with me

Slightly over confident, or perhaps more than slightly, I decided that confidence manifests itself physically right next to consciousness. And that I was to have more of it. Why not?

Actually, it makes me wonder. Confidence has two slightly different definitions. Why won't someone talk about the duality of confidence? I guess if you want a job done right...

1 Confidence n 1: trust, reliance 2: self-assurance, boldness 3 : a state of trust or intimacy.

2 Confidence adj : of or relating to swindling by false promises.

I took myself aside and told in confidence, myself, that I had the confidence to succeed in being the most confident confidant ever.

Somedays a person just doesn't have his best stuff to throw at the plate. Today is one of those days. Best to go to sleep early and to better in the morn.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Ghost in the machine

Feeling bored, I tried to solve the mystery that is human consciousness. It made me tired. Basically, I tried to pinpoint consciousness' physical location. I couldn't place it in my brain, couldn't place it in my heart, couldn't place it in my toes. I just couldn't feel it. Where is it? Is it in my brain?

And then, poof, that thought process was gone. Tempus edax rerum: time, that devours all things.

I find that the popularity of the Daily Show now has changed it. I compare it to the same show I watched 5 or so odd years ago, and now thanks to hooting and hollering from the audience every time someone comes on camera, a good 2 minutes of the show have been lost. Perhaps the louder people are, the less they feel they have to hear what others have to say and just seeing them is enough. Perhaps the more one types on a blog that is seemingly going nowhere, the less he has to do which could actually be productive and thinks that just writing is enough. I think I just touche'd myself.

Damn Padres beat the Rockies tonite. Only because Peavy pitched for them. I think he has 2 starts left, which means, by my account, they have 2 wins left. Hopefully one of those games is against the Giants and Barry rips into him and he loses. Needless to say, the Giants have to sweep them. They can still do it. Go San Fran.

The answer to the question is $20. I've bet $20 that the Giants can win their division.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

What I learned in school

Tautology: needless repetition of an idea, statement, or word; also : an instance of such repetition.

My Korean History professor mentioned that word after he was repeating himself. And someone asked him what it meant. I think I like it when people aren't afraid to look stupid, possibly because I've perfected that art.

I have added a link to Jordan's radio troop. It's called Screaming Halibut and it's ten minutes of sketch comedy on the radio. Some of it is funny. Well, most of it is funny. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that listen for yourself and see if you find it funny.

I'm now speaking to myself as if I was second person. Sometimes I speak in third person, so if I'm writing to myself I'd end up writing in third person to second person. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but let me give an example. 'The Hoss thinks that you need to make sure that he has some rice because he's running out of rice.' And that is how I make a grocery list.

Oh, and I think it's official. The lovely ladies who give me my weather are attractive to the point that I turn the tv on in the morning to see what the weather is like and then completely ignore what they have to say and possibly end up inappropriately dressed. Now I know that listening is a skill, and sometimes I really have to make an effort to do it, it just goes to show that mornings are not a time when I can go and make that effort. Basically, I wish I could cast the weather ladies.

Conversation overheard at a coffee shop. Girl telling guy how she got groped at the latest meat market club and perhaps there should be girl speak that rates bars in terms of gropage. I think I just invented a word. Nevertheless, they probably already have a scale like that.

The Chicago White Sox are pulling off what could be the biggest choke of all time, strike that the yankees had the biggest, while the San Fransisco Giants are separately pulling off what could be the biggest "when did that happen?" run at a division title.

Monday, September 19, 2005

The boomerang that is love

I think Eddie Murphy was in a movie called Boomerang or something.

The dude on the radio just said, in a song "I'm gonna look in the dictionary, and find the words to use." And Truman show paranoia sets in for me.

Leafs Sens preseason hockey. Ay, the game, she be back. Like sailor's wives who have just had their men return to shore, soon the bars will be full of men drinking and celebrating in unison the return of the lady they love. We are all gay. Orange juice is gay, and yes orange juice is a man. Water is gay.

So Sens win the preseason game. Whoop-dee-do. Sens fans that I have spoken with are paying serious attention to their back-up goalie Emery. Heh heh, both the Leafs and Sens have really old goalies. As a Leaf fan, Sens fans seem to constantly comment "at least our team doesn't have concussion problems." Well, the team might not, but the fans certainly do. Zing.

Bestir: to rouse to action. Possibly the opposite of be still.

My hunger bestirs me to the sandwiches.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Lost in Translation

Having dinner with my mother one day I got a lottery, I mean fortune cookie. I loved it. She didn't get it until I explained it. I present it to you. It reads,

"Now is the time to make circles with mints, do not haste any longer."

Now that's a beautiful fortune. It makes complete and total sense to me.

Lost/misplaced my thesaurus. Emailed Sports Guy at ESPN and told him to contact Merriam-Webster to get the definition of "fail" changed. No response yet, but he did list about 10-20 other emails that others sent him.

Finished reading Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe. Then listened to the Roots album by the same name. They mention him in the bopping tune 100% Dundee. Then saw a BBC report on the African aids crisis where the British reporter casually threw the phrase "things fall apart" into his report. That's three times now. Either I need a new hobby or have to find a way to join some people and share my hobby of looking for random repetition in the universe. Collective unconsciousness at its finest.

Anyways, in honour of Chinua I present Dashiki: modification of Yoruba danshiki: a usu. brightly coloured loose-fitting pullover garment.

Add that to my manteau and I'd have a foundation for quite a wardrobe.

Cuff the Duke play on Saturday night. Remember to write a review of that show. Sigur Ros play on Sunday night, hopefully will be to distracted to think about writing for that one. Have 2 days to brush up on romantic skills, which are weak to nonexistant at best. Best strategy is to set the bar low in terms of romance. Sure, it won't woo many girls, but when it does happen to work then it will be cool. Either I'm really tired or I'm so unromantic that all I can think of is that it would be cool.

Ending on a positive note. Saved a dog from being hit by a car early in this morning. Cute little dog too. SUV would have crushed it.

sleep and dreams call. I think tonite I'll be a pirate.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Ranting 101

So I'm on my way to school this morning and I'm crossing the street. Not paying too much attention, it being early morning and all. I'm almost all the way across, when a cab flies out and zooms right in front of me. It's not like I was blatently J-walking, the light had just turned red/green. Anyways, I stop, see the fucking coward on a cell phone zooming by. It's not like he was driving and didn't notice me, he was at a complete stop and then started. If he waited 3 seconds I would have fully crossed. The cab company is Blueline here in Ottawa, stupid me, I didn't get his number. But that's ok, they're all part of a union. Since they are, they are all accountable for the actions of their brothers. So I've got a job for you cops. Lets say something happens to blue-line vehicles now in town. Can you identify me and prove I did it because of what I've written here? Hypothetically speaking of course. I'm in no position to put the law in my own hands, but clearly there is no law which addresses this unique situation. Asides from a hit and run. Which they (Blueline) did to someone I know last year. So cabbies are one strike away from being out. Bus drivers struck out last year after I had to catch an old lady on a walker because the driver couldn't wait for her to grab a seat and decided to floor it. So maybe I'll just get hit by Blueline cabs and sue them until I can buy the company and fire them all. Or more likely, I'll just stop using them.

Vicissitude: the quality or state of being changeable 2 : a change or succession from one thing to another; esp : an irregular, unexpected, or suprising change.

On to school. I suggested to one of my Prof's that they make the text books available for a 3 hour reserve in the library as opposed to the normal 3 week borrow period. He said that it was a unique idea. But then he followed up with "since you're expected to have the text book..." which let me know exactly where he was coming from. Shut your mouth, open your wallet and have a nice bookshelf. I'll show him, I'll just borrow them from the library and read them as opposed to those who buy them and keep them shiny. What's the point here, to own the books or to get educated? Only a fool opens his wallet and then complains about the prices. Things, asides from gas, are available at discounted rates everywhere. Sure you pay more for gas, but you get to drive to a Wal-Mart and buy cheap shampoo.

Back to the Prof. Not all bad, allthough more mixed messages from him. He suggested the National Library Archives for research, which is a great find. He also said the books for the classes are there. So... books at the National library can only be read for a few hours, not taken out of the building. Hmm... sorta like a 3 hour reserve at the school library. Which makes my unique idea completely un-unique. Who has authority at school, the book store or the library? Considering that they're expanding the coffee shop at the library to the point where they have to put some books underneath (yes underneath) the arena, we know where the heart/wallet lies.

So detectives, put the clues together. Put all your resources towards stopping the written repercussions instead of addressing the problems.

In other news. Stuff happened, people died, people went missing. A good person quietly hoped that the little he could do may reduce some of the unfair that life is. It didn't, but we could use more like him.

Friday, September 09, 2005

i gotta new drug

Classic rock stations, and I don't know why I didn't mention this before, should stop playing "When the Levee Breaks" by Led Zepplin. Good song. Not so good times. "Shelter from the Storm" by Bob Dylan is good to play.

If you were from the Isle of Man, what would you be called? Or, what are people from the Isle of Man called? Men? Manman? Manonian? Nope. All wrong. The answer, is Manx. Which is also the name of a little pub here in Ottawa on Elgin street. Good food, good beer, great selection of whiskey and scotch. Scotchy scotch scotch, here it goes down, down into my belly. I'd go as far as to say best selection of whiskey in town. The only bad thing about the place, the Manx, is one story I have about one of my many trips there.

I was going there one day to meet a few friends before heading somewhere else, and getting there about 10 minutes before a poetry reading started. Now, I don't mind poetry readings at all. Go culture! But when you have someplace else to go to, and people start reading their published poems, well, lets just say it was hard to find a discreet moment to exit. The Pub is also quaint in size, meaning that everyone knew that when after 20 minutes I went outside under the pretense of smoking, I was just trying to get out. It's not my fault, the poetry sucked. I'm sorry to those people who wrote/read it. I'm sure it had plenty of meaning for you, but to me, it sucked.

Friday morning quarterback. Patriots won 30-20 over the Raiders. I made a little 20 spot bet for the Patriots to cover the 7.5 spread. They did. Not a tough call, the Raiders are not a good team. Their d-line was manhandled by the Pat's O-line. Tom Brady had so much time in the pocket that by the 3rd quarter, the television cameras were zoomed in on his legs. They showed his legs delicately bouncing off the ground and calmly getting set to throw. That Matt Leinart kid, quarterback for an NCAA team in California, the USC Trojans, he's going to be a really good qb (really weird segue, but stick with me here).

"What makes you say that Hoss?"

Well, not only did Matt decide to not declare eligibility for the draft to finish off his edumacation, which shows where his head is, his major is....ballroom dancing. That's right. An NFL player forsook millions in dollars to finish his education in ballroom dancing. I didn't get it either until last night when they had a close up of Brady's legs dancing in the pocket. Smooth like a butterfly. And then it dawned on me. Leinart is a genius. The 49ers screwed up with Smith, they should have waited for Leinart next year.

You see, the universe has this way of presenting clues to life. Things that appear meaningless, I place them away in a meaningless file in my brain. Also, the clerk who has access to all my files, he pays attention to those meaningless things, he's sorta got a thing for that. Anyways, that clerk, he's the dude that comes in most handy. Because I'm slow and don't pick up on things, he takes everything and sorts it out. Sooner or later (or never) something comes up, and that meaningless file loving clerk accesses the file and bam. Why do I know that Matt Leinart is majoring in ballroom dancing? Because I'm an idiot savant renaissance man.

On that note.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

love's labour's lost

Apparently, according to a road sign, "turning traffic must yield to pedestrians." So it's officially a jungle out there, and cars are bigger than humans so get out of the way.

A little blurb in a major Toronto newspaper stated that hurricane Katrina, or Kat as I like to call her, was bigger than any terrorist attack. It's good to know that in the face of a natural disaster, the populace is essentially being told, "hey, don't forget about terrorism." I wonder if the displaced people from Louisiana give two shits about the violent statements made by terrorists, and instead are wondering why the fuck their government couldn't get off the terrorism bandwagon quickly enough to get them some food so that they could, you know, live.

Listening to Noam Chomsky's on CBC's Massey lectures from 1988, it's amazing how in almost 20 years how he essentially pointed out a blueprint for how things are orchestrated, and how 20 years later, not much has changed. It's almost as though the conservative right-wing (who compared the masses and the common people and the amount of free will they have as the same as free will of lemmings) are right. The argument for media propoganda is that people are stupid, so lets fool them with necessary illusions. I'm glossing over a very well constructed argument, but dumbing down an argument doesn't make the argument wrong, it just dumbs it down. If you want more accurate info, read Manufacturing Consent, by the same Chomsky fellow, it is an indepth look into democracy and capitalism.

Imbibe: 1 : to receive and retain in the mind 2 : drink 3 : to drink in : absorb.

To hear is one thing, to imbibe is another. Open your ears people.

For those of you who like to partake in distracting hobbies from time to time, my NFL teams for this year are: (based on an auction of 6 total people each having to buy 5 different teams)
1. Kansas City - Like their defence upgrade, perhaps Dick wants to go out with a bang.
2. Seattle - Winners of the NFC west, St. Louis is on the downswing, as witnessed by their record against teams not in the NFC west last season.
3. San Diego - No one expected them to win more than 4 games last year, no one expects them to do the same this year. Lightning in a bottle? Perhaps. But hey, the best teams win inexplicably. Or maybe I'm just consoling my pick.
4. Jacksonville - Cardiac cats are just fun to watch. Defence keeps them close, and Leftwich should put some magically drives together again this year.
5. Arizona - Solid defence, young upstart offence. Weak division. Why not?

Sunday, September 04, 2005

What is it to fail?

Apparently the good folks at Merriam Webster have not updated their online definitions for 2005. Under the word 'fail', the third example is:

3 to fall short in satisfying the expectation or hope of (Boston Red Sox fans are pretty much used to having the team fail them) -- see DISAPPOINT.

Pretty much can't say that anymore. As for computers, mine's been flooded with ideas of not working, and so it doesn't work. Something is up. These things are, what's an appropriate word? Failing.

Asides from gas prices being at their highest ever, and a city below sea level joining the annals of Atlantis, not much going on. I predict in 4 months, or whenever we can start laughing about it, it's definitely too soon right now (and 4 months might be insensitive, but what can I say but that I'm dead inside), New Orleans will be the new Atlantis. Might take a year or so. How soon is too soon? Who has the right to make things appropriately funny? Not just for major disasters, but for anything, breakups, spilling milk. When does it become socially appropriate to laugh?

For example, when will it become appropriate to play "New Orleans is sinking" by the Tragically Hip? It's a great song, made the list of top 500 songs of all time on a local pop radio station, and they refuse to play it. I'd contest that it's never been more appropriate to use it than now. To that extent, here are the lyrics to the song, and I'll let you be the judge.

Bourbon blues on the street, loose and complete
Under skies all smokey blue-green
I can't forsake a dixie dead-shake
So we danced the sidewalk clean
My memory is muddy, what's this river that I'm in?
New Orleans is sinking man and I don't wanna swim

Colonel Tom, What's wrong? What's going on?
You can't tie yourself up for a deal
He said, "Hey north you're south shut your big mouth,
You gotta do what you feel is real"
Ain't got no picture postcards, ain't got no souvenirs
My baby, she don't know me when I'm thinking bout those years

Pale as a light bulb hanging on a wire
Sucking up to someone just to stoke the fire
Picking out the highlights of the scenery
Saw a little cloud that looked a little like me

I had my hands in the river
My feet back up on the banks
Looked up to the lord above
And said, "Hey man thanks"
Sometimes I fell so good, I gotta scream
She said Gordie baby I know exactly what you mean
She said, she said, I swear to god she said...
My memory is muddy what's this river that I'm in?
New Orleans is sinking man and I don't wanna swim

More reasons to avoid people. They change their minds about funny. It's sunday not even 1 pm, and it's already been a long week. I can't wait for football to start.

Friday, August 26, 2005

How soon they forget

In regards to my last post. Someone addressed the zen-esque beauty of the randomness provided by ipod shuffles. Don't get me wrong, I live randomness. I also believe that as soundtracks to our lives go, randomness works. But if you're reading a story (or looking at a movie) random words or images, although sometimes poignant at that moment, do not often tell a story. I feel that albums, with the a-sides and b-sides philosophy, were stories and songs the chapters in them.
On to the word of the day. Repine. To feel or express discontent or dejection: to long for something.
The Ottawa Senators will repine for the days in the following season without Marian Hossa. My quasi-namesake was one of the only scary factors during the last played NHL season playoffs. As a Leaf fan, watching Hossa with the puck was slightly disturbing, knowing that at anymoment he could skate through the entire defence and score. But apparently he 'dissappeared' in the playoffs according to some. Big mistake. Not that Heatley isn't good. Just that he comes with his own bag of demons, and quite frankly, has, hold on a sec while I count it up here, divide by 7, carry the 4....exactly zero playoff experience in the NHL. And Hasek's bones should have calcified by now, making his dexterity limited. It's going to be an interesting season. I look forward to people throwing ice at me at the bars whilest I wear my Leaf jersey and celebrate stuff.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Long lost arts, and it's only been 10 years

In the long line of CD making, ipod list organizing, the mix tape has gone over many transformations. We are all DJ’s, and fill our auditory sense with our choices. No commercials, no breaks, just tunes. Since the cassette deck, people have had their own personal studios accessible to them. Of course, today there are computer-enhanced products that allow us to create our song lists. Not to steal too much from Nick Hornby, but those consist mostly of tracks of our favour. There is no cohesiveness, in a library of thousands of songs any two that happen to merge on a level beyond being favourites, or by the same artist, is simply a coincidence. Mix CD’s had their day in the sun, but somehow with the flash and burn technology, creating a song list required having the songs on computer or transferring them from cd/tape/vinyl onto computer for burning purposes. Somehow that takes too many middlemen for me. Keeping it simple is finding a song, pressing play and record. Hopefully it’s not too disjointed.
Which brings us to the artist de jour. When asked when he started making mix tapes, The artist formally known as DJ responded that he started at a very young age by copying songs off the radio. He would then label each tape “Greatest Hits Vol.” Apparently he got up to volume 4 before he ran out of tapes. So he has experience. And with that he brings us the latest in his collection of mix tapes. The ever so difficult ‘gift’ tape. Something that isn’t for his own listening, but something to give to another, requiring slightly more effort than the mp3 generation style of putting-songs-I-like on a tape. Something that has to make sense. Or something that passes as familiar. Constant search for reflection in the universe. This song is me.
Put'em up. Let loose. Dance, twirl. Chillax. Whatever works for you.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Random Thoughts

While waiting for the phone to ring.

Watched the Jays play again. I've really watched a lot of baseball recently. Which is good, being single and all. Baseball has a way of making the evening pass by really slowly. Real slow.

Anyways, for future me, the reason I haven't posted a blog in a while is because I was filming that television show. Which I can't tell you about because of a signed confidentiality agreement. Needless to say, you know what happened.

Back to baseball. The Jays aren't going to go into the playoffs this year. It's time for that August swoon into September dissapointment. Going into last weekends series in Detroit, Jays were 4 games out of a wildcard chasing the A's, yankees and Indians. It's now tuesday, they got swept by Detroit and lost the first game of a series against the yanks last night. They didn't score, but a blown call at second base on a stolen base (Zaun, a great catcher, is indicative of how reputation seals your fate with the umps, threw the ball to Hudson, who should finally win a gold glove this year) led to a 5 run inning, making a 2-0 lead into a 7-0 one. Anyways, one of the best, if not the best defensive teams in baseball, the Jays are without Cy Halladay and Not-so-Cy Lilly, and just don't have the arms to make it. Although they do play alot against the yanks, so they could do the whole world a favour and beat them. Expletive the yankees.

It's been a trend, since 95 up until the last few years when they really sucked, that the Jays would keep around .500, their fans hoping and waiting for that one big winning streak to propell them into the playoffs, and instead getting a losing one. It's 4 games now by my count, losing wise, and it looks like that's the fate. Not to be pessemistic, but perhaps an arm in the rotation could help for next year, and get one of the current arms into long relief.

And maybe a bat. That would be nice.

Football starts soon, I need to read up and catch up on the news. I've got a stack of research materials to plow through, and now that I have some time off school until the fall term, I should be able to plow through it. I have a week now. Just a bit by bit should do it. One position a day. Knowing myself, I'm not going to do anything until much later.

Saw a pirated version of the Family guy movie last night. Few blatent laugh out loud moments. Good times. Even said "lol" but not as one word, as letters.

Maybe Jays can win tonite. fuck the yankees.