Sunday, February 26, 2006

Congrats, Mats

CP, Frank Gunn

"Sometimes hockey has no country"- Borje Salming

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


shit fuck balls. visors. fuck. IIHF rules. fuck. Interference calls. fuck. fuck quick whistles, fuck. passing to Heatley when you have an open net Richards fuck. defence can't break out pass fuck. Brodeur was the best. fuck. Ovechkin fuck. i'm now useless for the rest of the day and fuck. fuck non wooden sticks. every team plays with Canadian intensity in the olympics fuck.

fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

roomates who hate each other

Marriages aside, this is what can happen when two people end up living together for a long time. It starts off as one person being irked by the loud chewing noises that the other makes. Years and years of that plus dirty dishes and pots that one has to clean before they use. Slowly but surely the tension builds until you find out one day that there is no toilet paper and then you take a sledgehammer to your roomate and he has his own quirks about you that he hates and he counters with a shotgun. Who will win? The person who can end it all with a pull of a trigger or the person who can use a sledgehammer to beat down (and out) their frustration?

Thanks to Bourque newswatch for the link.

adj 1 : born under or influenced astrologically by the planet Saturn2 a : cold and steady in mood : slow to act or change b : of a gloomy or surly disposition c : having a sardonic aspect [a saturnine smile].

Saturday, February 18, 2006

tweet, taxi!

Someone call the Canadian Olympic team taxi squad and get me Eric Staal on the phone. We need to ask him the formula for kryptonite for Martin Gerber.

Perhaps some of the Team Canada brain trust should have gone to the Spengler Cup this past December.

Pronger just took a really stupid penalty. Stupid on every single level. On a very small scale could that be considered a penalty, but I'm not the ref here.

5 minutes to go, Canada down 2-0. Now the Canadian players won't stop moving their legs.

Also, I don't have to testify at the trial of the NEW JERSEY STATE POLICE OFFICER who was indicted for gambling.

Sports Illustrated (and other mainstream media outlets) owe Mr. Wayne Gretzky an official apology for wasting everyones time with the headlines accusing him in the mess that also included (incase you haven't heard) a NEW JERSEY STATE POLICE OFFICER. I pick on SI because they sent 3 people over to Torino to further investigate Gretzky's involvement in the gambling story that involved a NEW JERSEY STATE POLICE OFFICER.

Operation Slap shot my ass. James Harney, an eight-year veteran of the New Jersey state police. As this blog is proof of, just because someone writes something down and distrubutes it, doesn't make it or them credible. With the internet and our new digital ecosystem, I give newspapers a few more years until they go the down the same path that radio did when television came along.

Congratulations Team Switzerland on your victory over Canada. Did you know I have a keychain from your country even though I've never been there? Martin Gerber kicks ass.

Why do we fall Bruce? To learn how to pick ourselves up again.

Friday, February 17, 2006

beaver dam

I'm wondering if I'm getting softer in my old age, or perhaps it's the absolutely ludicrous weather in Ottawa right now, but I just enjoyed a women's hockey game. First figure skating and now this. Anyways, nothing against chicks playing sports, but usually hockey has been pretty lobsided in favour of the North Americans.

And then the Americans ran into a dam, a beaver dam by the name of Kim Martin. A 19 year old goaltender from Sweden, who by now has probably received countless marriage proposals from Swedish men (sorta like Katarina Witt) even though those men might not know any more about her appearance than this.

REUTERS/Shaun Best

The Swedish team is young (#16 on that team is actually 16 years old), with a great goaltender, and nothing to lose in the gold medal game against Canada. Anyone who has followed the Swedish mens hockey team over the last 10-15 years, might find it ironic that a goalie was their best player.

Finally, in a note of self-promotion, I might want to point out that in this very blog I predicted that Sweden would do well in hockey this Olympics and even though I was talking about the mens team, I'm gonna check this one off as a correct prognostication.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

olympic thoughts

Some musings while watching Canada play Germany in Olympic round robin hockey. Sakic just scored (from Bertuzzi and Nash) on the powerplay, and it's 2-0 Canada.

-I can't believe Sweden lost 5-0 to the Russians, after the Russians lost to the Slovaks. Perhaps parody is setting in.

-It took seven seasons, but I finally won the Super Bowl with my fantasy drafted Chargers. Although my friend Kenny was able to move his fantasy drafted Raiders to Toronto in the off season, so I'm not sure who is the winner. Is it the video game citizens of San Diego, the video game citizens of Toronto or all the women who got peace and quiet instead of 70+ hours of conversations with us filled with witty anecdotes about our video game filled lives? Yes, it takes over 10 hours to play a season and we're in season seven. And we're just getting started.

-3 to zero Canada, Gagne just scored.

-The day you turn your oven on to pre-heat and your eyes start stinging is the day before the day you have to clean your oven.

-Gillette Fusion. 6 blades. 5 on one side. I'm just curious now to see how many blades they can fit on a razor now. Personally, I'm going to buy one of those old fashioned brushes to apply shaving cream, a rock, and a single blade (like barbers use). And a rock. I'm going to sharpen the blade on the rock, and watch civilization build a razor with so many blades that it will come with a decapitation warning.

-Speaking of grooming, did you ever wake up and say "I think today I should brush my teeth?" Mothers and people in the dental industry everywhere just cringed. I'm just kidding, but not really. I bet lots of people do that, and most are single guys or guys in college. We're like hamsters; we like to keep food around in our mouths for later.

-I came up with most of these thoughts in the shower, which made me come up with another thought. I realized that if someone ever invented a waterproof, wireless, laptop, it would be a huge seller. There you go engineers, a gift of a million dollar idea.

-Ever blow your nose so hard that you end up farting?

-Having a pretty woman ask me if I'm interested in a fish taco just before showing me a platter of tacos filled with fish is akin to having her say "I need another hand for this job." Perception is filled with filters, and yes I do realize that I may have just come across as objectifying women as sexual objects. Before you ladies get too mad, remember that I've spent a good portion of the last month playing a football video game, and its not even football season.

-I'm hungry.

Monday, February 13, 2006

crash monday

6 lugers, 4 skiers, 2 speed skaters went down today in Italy. Some badly, too badly to continue. And some put on the Olympic spirit. Like this pair of figure skaters.

Hao Zhang and Dan Zhang

I once said figure skating wasn't a sport because of the judging element. As I type this I'm witnessing a young pair of chinese figure skaters and the ladies name is Dan Zhang. She missed a landing on what I think was a quad toss (?) and spread eagled the landing, probably busting up one of her knees. They stopped the program, stopped the music, I was sure it was over. 5 minutes later she decided to continue the program, and her partner Hao Zhang is going to throw her again. This is an unbelievable display of heart. Figure skating. I never thought it could.

And they won the silver medal.

Olympics kick ass.

note to self

next time get the nightime, drowsy medication. on the plus side, olympics on CBC. so I can watch the best physical atheletes in the world while I sit here crippled by sinus. It didn't help my self-esteem when the Herminater skiied yesterday with a major flu and was doubled over at the end of the downhill and I was too 'sick' to boil water.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

i have a cold

Self medicating involves not paying attention to stupid people, because my patience is worn thin with this congestion. With no other outlet for the frustration caused by stupidity, due to beeing cooped up in the apartment with a cold, I tend to judge more so than normal. And I yell at the computer screen when stupid things are presented. Much like you might be doing right now. But something has been building for the past week and I just snapped. Right there, just did it. Here is the literal translation of my anger.

Gretzky is innocent. Any Canadian who even slightly insinuates that he should not go to the Olympics because of gambling allegations should do us all a favour and jump off the 15th floor of the closest building they can find. Quick, go. Jump.
(Photo: REUTERS/Finbarr O'Reilly)

Other goings on recently, asides from blatent stupidity prevailing, is a coincidence where the latest NHL general managers meeting took place in...

Las Vegas.

ouch. bad timing.

Band: Wolf Parade (recommended by a friend who I should give thanks to, thanks kenny). Song: I'll believe in anything. Great song.

because nobody knows you, and nobody gives a damn either way.

Friday, February 10, 2006

soccer, north american style

Here's a heads up to NHL coaches everywhere. Get yourself an acting coach. Teach your players how to act on skates. I don't mean disney on ice; I mean fool the refs into calling stupid penalties. It's perfect, once your players can fake without being caught for diving, your team will get numerous 5-3 advantages and be able to score almost at will.

Even if your team is the Pittsburgh Penguins, 3 weeks with this acting coach will have the refs in your back pocket. Coincidently, the Olympic break is coming up, so we're offering a crash course over that time. You'll get three weeks worth of instruction in one and a half.

Seriously, the only major sporting officials who aren't under my ire right now are those who can pinpoint locations of objects that travel upwards of 90 miles per hour. Basketball, Fooball and Ice Hockey are just a joke.

1 a : to give a false appearance of : induce as a false impression [feign death] b : to assert as if true : pretend
2 archaic a : invent, imagine b : to give fictional representation to

I think I should just go to bed and tomorrown 'm going to wake up, and call a do-over on today.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

another mystery solved

Napoleon. What was with the hand in the jacket dude? Well, I think I may have solved the mystery of why he put his hand inside his coat today. I caught myself doing the exact same thing, and for some reason I thought of Napoleon.

I know you're on pins and needles, so I'll get to it.

You see, Napoleon used to have a discman, and he would put the cord up through inside his jacket. He had a defective one and with discman's being rare (ipods rarer still), he couldn't exchange it. Back in those days you had to be an emperor to own technology that wasn't going to be invented for a couple of centuries. Anyways, he got the first discman to ever come out in France, and wouldn't you know it? The earphones were sketchy. So, in order to keep music pumping through them, he had to hold his earphones in a very certain way. And that happened to involve his hand being in his jacket.

Ergo sum, he put his hand in his jacket, holding the earphones, pumping through the tunes that got him through those days. We all have had those days when you wish that the music in your ears was all there was. Rock on Napoleon.

nothing left to see

Staring into the darkest of lights, a computer screen in the middle of the night. Waiting for a file to download. Wondering if Radiohead will come out with another album, and where it will take me. I'm thinking this one will be done, (to borrow a phrase from their song 'gagging order') just to take the edge off.

It's so cold here, but not really. It has been colder in the past, and probably will be in the future. Nevertheless, CBC's weather page doesn't list a high for tomorrow. It lists a low of -17, but they're not even bothering to list a high. Which is a good thing, because you don't dress for the 5 minutes during the day when it might reach -13.

99.6% done.

Doris Day and Bing Crosby put it best.

I really can't stay!
(But baby its cold outside!)
I've got to go away!
(But baby its cold outside!)

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

the defence rests

A player will be ruled in bounds if he touches the pylon at the goal line before going out of bounds. For example, a pass would be considered complete if one foot touches the pylon and the other foot is in bounds.

AP Photo Mark Humphrey

Tell me it was the wind in Ford Field that moved the pylon and not Darrell Jackson's right leg before it touched out of bounds.

After this play, Hasselbeck turned to the official and the camera showed him mouthing the words "what's going on?" to the ref. What was going on, NFL?

A question is, after the blown Rothlesberger touchdown, did Seattle have any challenges left to challenge the play?

Madden also said during the game that "sometimes you think you see something when it's not really there" (he was referring to a call made by an official against Seattle). I would call that bias.

Friday, February 03, 2006

imagination takes over study time

On some airlines, they offer complementary beer. Now, say I was travelling to a foreign country, and started consuming copious amounts of alcohol to make the time go by drunker. This is what happens.

Customs Agent: Passport please.
Me: Here you go. What's the cover in this country? In Canadian dollars please. I'm Canadian.
Agent: That's wonderful. (looks at what was handed to him) Sir, this is your drivers license.
Me: Oh sorry. Yeah. Hooo. It's kinda bright in here isn't it?
Agent: May I see your passport sir.
Me: Oh yeah, sorry man, I carry one of those belt thingies to keep stuff safe. One sec. (Proceeds to undoe belt and drop pants instead of taking off passport belt. Then hands the belt to the agent). It's in there.
Agent: This is your belt for your pants. Sir, please pull up your pants.
Me: (looks down). I see. (Looks back up).
Agent: (Hands belt back to me).
Me: Ah thankya. (Takes off passport belt this time and gives it to the agent. Reaches down to do up pants and falls. Decides to put pants on while on the ground).
Agent: Are you here on business or pleasure? (Looks up from passport to see no one there). Sir?
Me: (from the ground) Business.
Agent: Please get up sir. Thank you. State your business.
Me: Gimmiesomewater.
Agent: I'm sorry?
Me: My first order of b-hizness is to get some water. And then some pizza. Where's good pizza? I need a cigarette.
Agent: You can try the airport cafeteria.
Me: Fan-fucking-tastic. That is so, oh man, you have no idea how clutch it is for the airport to have a cafeteria. Man, in Canada, you can't even smoke inside anywhere man, any-fucking-where. Such a gip.
Agent: Your welcome sir. One last thing before we let you go, do you have anything to declare?
Me: I'm drunk.