what i did on my summer vacation

In school today, teacher asked us to write about what we did this past summer. She ignored the fact that a man was a student in her grade 2 class. As would any good teacher.

Dear extremely attractive Grade two Teacher in this odd fantasy of a gentleman,

§ I spent most of this summer with my head in the clouds.

§ I listened to a lot of CBC radio one, trying to figure out the must music song of the day. I was usually wrong.

§ I read a couple of books; David Halberstams Education of a Coach and Mark Harris’ Southpaw. The former I got with my Baseball Prospectus, the latter was recommended by Rob Neyer, a baseball writer. I also read Baseball Prospectus and Football Prospectus. Those are long text like books. Did I read any non-sport books? The Art of War by Sun Tzu and Best a Man Can Get by John O’Farrell. I probably read some more books, I just can’t remember right now.

§ I spent the long-weekends sleeping. I needed the rest.

§ I realized that I the last few years in school had made me fat. I realized this after spending the summer playing on multiple sporting teams and losing some weight and then looking at pictures of myself from this past spring. Man was I tubby. And I thought people were being affectionate by calling me fatty. Only now do I realize that they were being observational.

§ I spent a lot of time working on stuff. That is the best way I can describe how I spend most of my days. I do a lot of stuff. Perhaps the best way to put it is that I am a business man. I do business. Apparently my teenage identity crisis has carried on into my adult stage. This is going to keep me up nights, what do I do? Good thing I found this question now, rather than say, on a date where a female would ask me what I do and I would proceed to freeze up. Screw it, if she asks, I’m a talent scout for a dance show.

§ I realized that with the absence of liquids or gels on planes we’re probably safer, if not more dehydrated, on planes. Also, why aren’t laptops banned? You know, the ones with the batteries that have a habit of overheating and exploding? Aren’t those, you know, a slight safety hazard? Anyways, I’ve figured out a way to increase security, shorten security lines, and increase the number of people that fly (or at least the number of teenage boys). Implement a nudity policy on aircraft. Security checks would be faster, as there are a limited number of hiding spots on the naked body. Line the seats with plastic wrapping, at the end of each flight just rip it off like they do tablecloth at Chinese restaurants.

§ If you tell people you are lying, they won’t believe you. Because that would mean you are lying about lying, or telling the truth about lying, which wouldn’t be lying. Human brains are not built to comprehend the sentence “I am lying about everything.”

§ If you have to tell people you are joking, you are not very funny. If you tell a joke and your audience doesn’t laugh, and you have to tell them “I am joking” you should consider telling better jokes. If you say something sarcastically, and the person you are telling it to does not get it, and you have to say “I am joking”, perhaps you should say “I was being sarcastic.” Either case might be an indication that you need to stop joking/ being sarcastic.

§ The Illusionist was the best movie I saw all summer. Considering my movie list consists of “Just My luck”, “The Break-up”, “Broken Flowers”, and not “Miami Vice”, “Pirates of the Caribbean”, “Talladega Nights” it might not be saying much. But I still had a lot of fun watching the Illusionist. Magic + Movie + good actors in Ed Norton and the son of a former baseball commissioner = good times.

§ There needs to be more verbal math. My life can be described in verbal math.

§ Old car + value village clothes – shaving = zero chicks.

§ New car + new clothes + haircut = same old you.

§ Late night + hungry = Chinese food.

§ Water + coffee = multiple bathroom breaks.

§ Old mattress + bumpy pillow = stiff neck in morning.

§ Bunch of guys + football – knowledge of body limitations + thinking they are still 18 = random football injury or pulled muscle in morning.

§ Bar + girls making out (does not) = trying to get your attention.

§ Bar + girls making out = gay night.

§ Car + funny noise = not good = -$

§ Computers + internet = porn

§ Blog post + one good idea = worth it.

Shameless self promotion right here. In Urdu, Shabash means “congratulations” or “well done.”